Pre Marriage Considerations
Many people ask about whether they should marry a certain person or not. With a few exceptions I can never advise on this subject. I am not standing in your shoes. Nor do I know the couple, except perhaps a brief conversation with one of them.
(These are excerpts from my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work available in paperback and Kindle at Amazon.com)
Of course there are times when the other person is a drug addict, a repeat criminal, is still married to someone else, or is promiscuous. In such cases the answer to the question "should I date or marry this person?" is an obvious "not a good idea."
But when it comes to two good people, all I can do is give some general principles. You will have to search your heart and pray.
Generally I advise a young lady to look for a man who has a fire in his belly for justice. A man who loves principle and is willing to stand for something. There is an unmistakable spark of fire there--character, principle, a love of what is right. It's also nice if he is already or in the process of establishing himself in a trade, profession or business.
I tell guys not to look for the perfect woman. Look for a lady who will take correction. Some people just will not admit they are wrong and want to be right all the time. Some women want to be in charge and will not take kindly to having some fault or naughtiness pointed out. Life with such a woman would be a living hell. But if she will good naturedly admit it when you point something out - it might be time to get your engagement rings. . . . . . .
Don't misunderstand--I am not saying that a woman has to be submissive or be dominated by a man. In fact, if you are out of order, she should speak up and point it out.
I'm just saying that some people are clever at acting meek and mild, but are resentful underneath. Not good.
Some women let him be in charge. She lets him be in charge--even though she is really the one in charge. This type of sneakiness will make life unpleasant; and if she is incorrigible, then there will be nothing but suffering ahead for her spouse.
What I mean is look for someone who is good natured and who respects what is right more than her own ego. She will defer to her man (if he is right).
I am not in favor of causal dating. It is a terrible idea and leads to promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases and a loss of character. A man who plays the field loses his character. His future wife will
Instead of playing the field, he should be becoming established in business.
A woman who casually dates is putting herself in situations (being alone in a car with a man, for example) that can only lead to a loss of innocence, and even danger.
I am in favor of young people doing wholesome activities in groups (like 2 or 3 guys and 2 or 3 gals going out together in a group). Bowling, skiing, church activities, picnics, bike riding, studying, going to a nice concert or a nice move and so on as a group are fun and much safer.
After lots of getting to know the person in these safe group settings, if you think this is the guy then courtship may begin.
I do believe in courtship.
This means that when a man and a woman go out to lunch or to a movie, it is with the intention of definitely considering this particular person for marriage and definitely wanting to know if she or he is right. The purpose of the courtship date is to decide if this is the person to get married to. .
I also believe that it is best to wait until marriage. I do see many advantages in sexual purity. Most good Christian and Catholic churches, Christian radio advice programs (such as Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson, FamilyLifeToday and many others) all advise purity before marriage. They are right.
Knowing what I know about the psychology of men and women, after 25 years of advising and writing 6 books about marriage, I see how important it is for the man to be honorable in every respect. If he takes advantage before marriage, she will not forget it and she is not likely to trust him 100%.
I am not saying that people who have made mistakes in some way are condemned. I'm just saying that it is wise to start off on the right foot.
I am often asked about marrying someone from another religion or a completely different background. I am not rigid on this matter, because the person himself or herself is most important, not what cultural background or organized religion their family belonged to.
Character and what is in the person's heart are most important--such as honesty and a love of truth. . . . . . .
Nevertheless, life with someone of a totally different background or faith will most likely be challenging, especially when kids come along and issues arise about what religion to teach them or where to school them.
There is a passage in the Bible where Paul says that if a lady becomes a follower of Christ and finds herself wedded to an unbeliever, perhaps her goodness and noble demeanor may yet awaken her spouse to truth. . . .
Since it is the man who is supposed to be the head of household, it is easier if it is he who gradually comes to his Creator first. Then his nobility, his principled nature, and gentle lordship may win the respect of his wife for himself and his God.
It is more difficult for the woman who wakes up and is married to a husband who is not awake. If she tries to convert him, he would only be falling for the temptation she represents. About all she can do is do her duty, be gracious, kind, patient and noble--and her light may wake him up. If it does, he will either hate that light and probably leave her, or he will love the light and then they can be very good friends. . . . . .
Marriage is not to get our needs met. It is to bring children into the world.
So I must say that for the man, it almost doesn't matter who he marries as far as character growth is concerned. It is his job to be a man and to have patience, courage, longsuffering, kindness, nobility and honor. The worse she is, the more he will suffer. But if he suffers rightly, he will grow in character and shine.
For the lady, it is good if she can find a man who is principled and honorable. Definitely she should stay away from the weak ladies man. She should also stay away from the violent type. It helps if she has a good father, because then she will look for a man like her father. . . .
People get married and enjoy each other during the honeymoon and the spring of their marriage. But it isn't long before issues arise. When they do, it's time for some basic training about life, marriage and the nature of men and women. So when it is time, get married and enjoy each other.
Then when issues arise, be kind, grow in character, search your heart, pray, and get my book for instructions.
Blessings,
Roland
