My Husband and I Fight All the Time
If you are looking for some advanced
strategies for improving communication with your partner, my book will be a
breath of fresh air. You might even ride off into the sunset together and live
happily ever after." "All couples argue," says Roland Trujillo in a recent radio interview. Read the whole interview
"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.
In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.
If it is any consolation to you, arguing is very common in
marriages. You could almost say that all the squabbling and arguing are
"normal." I would venture to say that if a couple isn't
arguing--something is wrong.
If there is silence, then it is usually an eerie silence, with buried resentment and hostility underneath. Or it's a marriage in name only (like some celebrities get married just to further their career). Or perhaps one person has completely capitulated and has become a repressed doormat.
Arguing is par for the course. Men and women are different and live in different worlds. Someone once said that a good marriage is a good fight. Yes, there will be arguments. But there is such a thing as a good fight.
A good fight is when what is right wins. A good argument is when-instead of sniping, anger, violence, or a game of one upmanship--reason prevails.
But when one or both parties do not understand what love and marriage are all about, the argument will be angry, resentful, petty or hurtful. When both partners, and especially husband, do not have their emotions under control, the discourse will deteriorate. When both are basically selfish and egotistical, how can love and understanding prevail?
Just as bad is when bad decisions and wrong choices prevail because one partner, especially husband and father, is weak and lets wrong prevail.
Father cannot be violent, nor can he be a wimp or door mat. If he wants to win a popularity contest and is afraid of rocking the boat, how can he stand for what is right? If he has a cigarette in one hand, how can he lecture the kids about marijuana?
Error must be addressed. Wrong behavior must be exposed and opposed. And because it is the nature of people to deny their wrong and defend their errors, there will be debate and disagreement.
But most of us are so busy worrying about our own needs that we fail to see our own wrong. Many of us are selfish and do not see the other person's true needs. Many of us are not right ourselves, so we are defensive and guilty. We get upset and irritated over little things that don't really matter; and we clam up and say nothing about important things that should be addressed.
We must learn how to argue the right way (where what is right wins, not who is right). And we must learn to make our points without resentment and anger.
And before I go any further, let me say that it is basically the man's fault. I personally think that women suffer more because they are more aware of something being wrong. Men tend to be kind of dumb in such matters. Men tend to think that just going to work and taking her out to dinner once in a while is all that is needed. He just doesn't get it. .
But it is ironic that the man is supposed to be the dispenser of wisdom. The man is supposed to have understanding and wisdom, and from it longsuffering and patience. Instead many men are like big kids. So, men, please read what Coach Roland has to say. .
If he could learn to be more fatherly and stop demanding that she support his ego; then she could stop playing the role of tease or nag. If he had real love, she would not have to tease him for it (only to be disappointed again). And when she was finally assured that he loves principle more than anything in the world, so that he would never fail her, she could stop giving him such a hard time. All the bickering could stop, and they could be very, very good friends.
Ladies, now that I have placed responsibility for what is going wrong squarely on the shoulders of the man, let me say that your problem is most likely that you just can't resist judging him for his failings.
Yes, all men (including the author) have failed women, and so they are ooooh so judgeable. But I have to say that judgment is a terrible sin. It fixates you to the object of judgment, and by way of guilt (for the judgment) locks you into an endless cycle of love and hate. It leads to deterioration in one's being and to bitterness.
When we become quite resentful and judgmental, we find it almost impossible to be objective. A resentful wife can become so hateful toward her husband that she literally cannot see any good in him. Even if he improved, she would not see it.
The ability to stand back and look at the situation objectively is of absolute importance. That way, error can be observed without resenting what one sees. Another's wrong can be observed without judging (hating and condemning) the other for it.
So, if you are like most couples, you are arguing all the time. As long as there is no violence, then perhaps all you need is to let go of resentment. When resentment is gone, you will be able to see clearly what is going on, and with a little understanding, interpret it properly. Maybe your husband is wrong; maybe not. Maybe your wife is out of order; maybe not. Until you let go of resentment, judgment, and blame--you would be able to know for sure. Your perceptions are currently clouded by resentment, judgment, anger, hurt feelings and blame.
Because men and women are different, because most couples bring baggage to the marriage, and because there is so little wisdom out there--many young couples don't have much of a chance (without a little coaching from someone with understanding like me).
Probably you have bought the cultural foolishness about what love and what marriage are all about. Love is not sex; nor is it just hearts and flowers. Nor is marriage just for pleasure or getting our needs met. If we buy into the popular misunderstandings about marriage, then we will feel cheated, deprived of getting our needs met, and we will be resentful.
Read more
If there is silence, then it is usually an eerie silence, with buried resentment and hostility underneath. Or it's a marriage in name only (like some celebrities get married just to further their career). Or perhaps one person has completely capitulated and has become a repressed doormat.
Arguing is par for the course. Men and women are different and live in different worlds. Someone once said that a good marriage is a good fight. Yes, there will be arguments. But there is such a thing as a good fight.
A good fight is when what is right wins. A good argument is when-instead of sniping, anger, violence, or a game of one upmanship--reason prevails.
But when one or both parties do not understand what love and marriage are all about, the argument will be angry, resentful, petty or hurtful. When both partners, and especially husband, do not have their emotions under control, the discourse will deteriorate. When both are basically selfish and egotistical, how can love and understanding prevail?
Just as bad is when bad decisions and wrong choices prevail because one partner, especially husband and father, is weak and lets wrong prevail.
Father cannot be violent, nor can he be a wimp or door mat. If he wants to win a popularity contest and is afraid of rocking the boat, how can he stand for what is right? If he has a cigarette in one hand, how can he lecture the kids about marijuana?
Error must be addressed. Wrong behavior must be exposed and opposed. And because it is the nature of people to deny their wrong and defend their errors, there will be debate and disagreement.
But most of us are so busy worrying about our own needs that we fail to see our own wrong. Many of us are selfish and do not see the other person's true needs. Many of us are not right ourselves, so we are defensive and guilty. We get upset and irritated over little things that don't really matter; and we clam up and say nothing about important things that should be addressed.
We must learn how to argue the right way (where what is right wins, not who is right). And we must learn to make our points without resentment and anger.
And before I go any further, let me say that it is basically the man's fault. I personally think that women suffer more because they are more aware of something being wrong. Men tend to be kind of dumb in such matters. Men tend to think that just going to work and taking her out to dinner once in a while is all that is needed. He just doesn't get it. .
But it is ironic that the man is supposed to be the dispenser of wisdom. The man is supposed to have understanding and wisdom, and from it longsuffering and patience. Instead many men are like big kids. So, men, please read what Coach Roland has to say. .
If he could learn to be more fatherly and stop demanding that she support his ego; then she could stop playing the role of tease or nag. If he had real love, she would not have to tease him for it (only to be disappointed again). And when she was finally assured that he loves principle more than anything in the world, so that he would never fail her, she could stop giving him such a hard time. All the bickering could stop, and they could be very, very good friends.
Ladies, now that I have placed responsibility for what is going wrong squarely on the shoulders of the man, let me say that your problem is most likely that you just can't resist judging him for his failings.
Yes, all men (including the author) have failed women, and so they are ooooh so judgeable. But I have to say that judgment is a terrible sin. It fixates you to the object of judgment, and by way of guilt (for the judgment) locks you into an endless cycle of love and hate. It leads to deterioration in one's being and to bitterness.
When we become quite resentful and judgmental, we find it almost impossible to be objective. A resentful wife can become so hateful toward her husband that she literally cannot see any good in him. Even if he improved, she would not see it.
The ability to stand back and look at the situation objectively is of absolute importance. That way, error can be observed without resenting what one sees. Another's wrong can be observed without judging (hating and condemning) the other for it.
So, if you are like most couples, you are arguing all the time. As long as there is no violence, then perhaps all you need is to let go of resentment. When resentment is gone, you will be able to see clearly what is going on, and with a little understanding, interpret it properly. Maybe your husband is wrong; maybe not. Maybe your wife is out of order; maybe not. Until you let go of resentment, judgment, and blame--you would be able to know for sure. Your perceptions are currently clouded by resentment, judgment, anger, hurt feelings and blame.
Because men and women are different, because most couples bring baggage to the marriage, and because there is so little wisdom out there--many young couples don't have much of a chance (without a little coaching from someone with understanding like me).
Probably you have bought the cultural foolishness about what love and what marriage are all about. Love is not sex; nor is it just hearts and flowers. Nor is marriage just for pleasure or getting our needs met. If we buy into the popular misunderstandings about marriage, then we will feel cheated, deprived of getting our needs met, and we will be resentful.
Read more
Rola
nd Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and he's got books too!!! years. Listen to Roland's 1 minute sound byte about his special offer and The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage
In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.
"Hi, everyone. This is Roland. I care about people and relationships (I love marriage and I looooove reconciliation). I've been helping people for over 25 years.
I've written 18 books and I have tons of free resources, soooooo
If you are working on your relationship (or planning to), or you just wonder what is going on in relationships
that's what I am here for.
Most people don't talk to me. They listen to my audio, read an article or two, or a blog post or two, and then preview my books and buy one of them.
If you listen to some audio and read one or two of my books, you will get some of the most advanced info on relationships available. My books are good reads too.
However, if you want to ask me a question, here is how
First of all, everyone's favorite (because it is free) Live Chat.
Look in the right sidebar for the Live Chat link. That's right. Even if it is a holiday or a weekend - if I am in you can talk to me right away.
But, and this is a big but, I cannot do counseling at free Live Chat. Relationships are much too important (and complicated ) for quick answers at free live chat. However, I can provide customer service, mention a resource or two or give some information for educational purposes. You must be 19. And no human sexuality question, and no violence or abuse issues.
Luckily, I do provide relationship coaching at my Liveperson Virtual Office. Email questions answered and you get a free pdf of one of my books : ) at Liveperson for a very reasonable fee.
I have counseling by instant texting and live chat there.
And I even provide telephone consultation.
Want more information? More information is below
I am online for live chat at Liveperson.
Anonymous and confidential. 25 years experience.
And the first 3 minutes are free!
Since it is pay per minute, you are in charge of how long a session is. Get an answer right away. Talk to someone who has been helping people for 25 years.
Use your credit card or safe and secure Paypal.
"Relationships can be tough. But take heart. There are answers and solutions
that really work."
Roland Trujillo, author and lecturer, has
been helping couples for 25 years. His radio advice program has aired around the country for a quarter of a century. And he's got books too!
His refreshing approach will open your eyes and explain some of the mysteries
of mating that may have had you baffled until now. "If you are looking for some advanced
strategies for improving communication with your partner, my book will be a
breath of fresh air. You might even ride off into the sunset together and live
happily ever after."
Did you know that Roland is a relationships expert at Liveperson?
Need feedback about a marriage or relationship issue? Do you want a third party opinion about an issue with your partner, reconciling, marriage issues, coping with stress, family/work balance issues, overcoming negative emotions, learning to forgive, or about improving communication?
Did you know that Roland has email, live chat, and phone consultation available?
Visit Roland's virtual office at Liveperson right now
Click here for Relationship Counseling info
Click here for Marriage Counseling info
Did you know that Roland has email, live chat, and phone consultation available?
Visit Roland's virtual office at Liveperson right now
Click here for Relationship Counseling infoClick here for Marriage Counseling info
If he is online, you can start live chatting right now.
He started his radio show in San Francisco 25 years ago. Every since, he has volunteered his time and effort to help people.
Got a question about a relationship? Dating and courtship? Marriage? Improving communication and healing a relationship?
You have probably already guessed that this is by far Roland's most popular blog!People come from all over the world who are having relationship and marriage issues. At his blog you will find (in the right sidebar) links to his most popular articles and posts.
You can also preview free and order his popular book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage: Making Relationships Work.
Now Roland also has free chat for your quick customer service questions.
Not ready for counseling? Just got a question?
Wondering about something?
Just look in the right sidebar. If I am here, I'll live chat with your right away! If I'm helping someone else or away, then you can send an email. Free too
Name me another author of 18 books who makes himself available to personally answer your questions.
Are you looking for ultra confidential counseling online?
Liveperson does not reveal your name, phone, or email address to its experts.
Hello, this is Roland. I give fast, intuitive answers with positive solutions! I'm sure I have some valuable information that will assist you with any relationship issue you are dealing with.
I will listen to you talk
(because I know what it feels like when people don't really listen). I
look forward to hearing from you. Get some answers today from the
convenience of your home or office. I keep my fee low and can answer questions very quickly. Here are just a few of the issues I have helped people sort out, cope with, and find happy solutions for:
Why do couples argue all the time?
How to improve communication
Help with reconciliation.
Successful dating and courtship and pre marriage issues.
Dealing with feelings of unhappiness, insecurity and upset.
Successfully balancing work and home
Letting go of resentment and how to forgive
Successful singles
Meditation training to cope with stress too.
I care about relationships and I love helping people sort things out and start moving forward.
Many people have read my articles on relationships, marriage, compatibility, infidelity and finding happiness again.
Talking to people on the radio has really helped me become skilled at quickly grasping the issue and giving immediate advice. This saves you time and money.
Please be advised that online counseling is not appropriate for all issues. Nor is it a substitute for face to face counseling with your mental health professional or spiritual care giver.
Online counseling is not for you if you are under 18, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, if this is an emergency, if you are having psychotic symptoms, if you are presently under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or if there is domestic violence or abuse. Before contacting us, read this important information first about getting immediate help.
If you or someone in your family are experiencing bullying, child abuse, or domestic violence or abuse, you should seek help immediately from your local social service agency, women's shelter, mental health professional, law enforcement, or child protective services. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. Get help right away. Internet and phone use can be monitored. Be careful. If need be go to a safe phone or safe internet connection to get professional help immediately.
If you are experiencing an emergency, please call your local or national mental health crisis hotline, your medical doctor or 911 to receive immediate attention. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, get help immediately. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. You may call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to be connected to the nearest crisis hotline.
If you are outside the United States look here to find the nearest help. You are not alone. People are standing by to help you. Get help immediately.
