Does Divorce Affect Children - Is There a Good Divorce

I will never forget. One day I picked up a book with each chapter written by a different man. It was a
book about the secret emotional life of men. We tend to think of men as not having feelings, but this book revealed the deep feelings of several different men.

I remember one poignant and touching chapter written by a man whose parents suddenly divorced when he was already an adult (with an advanced degree and a high paying job).  It was about the pain he experienced and how he tried to be a go-between. It ended with his still trying deal with the psychological impact of the divorce and how it then affected his life.

Are you with me?  Divorce affects the kids, even when they are already adults when the divorce takes place.

I have been researching and writing about relationships and marriage for almost 25 years. Today I heard a great program on the radio - on Family Life Today - an interview of Elizabeth Marquart, the author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce 

It destroys the myth of a "good" divorce and it is based on a study of 1500 children of divorce. I looked over the reviews at Amazon, and I found a copy of the book at my local library. 

Here is a short description to introduce the book:

 "Is there really such a thing as a “good divorce”? Determined to uncover the truth, Elizabeth Marquardt—herself a child of divorce—conducted, with Professor Norval Glenn, a pioneering national study of children of divorce, surveying 1,500 young adults from both divorced and intact families between 2001 and 2003. In Between Two Worlds, she weaves the findings of that study together with powerful, unsentimental stories of the childhoods of young people from divorced families.

The hard truth, she says, is that while divorce is sometimes necessary, even amicable divorces sow lasting inner conflict in the lives of children. When a family breaks in two, children who stay in touch with both parents must travel between two worlds, trying alone to reconcile their parents’ often strikingly different beliefs, values, and ways of living. Authoritative, beautifully written, and alive with the voices of men and women whose lives were changed by divorce, Marquardt’s book is essential reading for anyone who grew up “between two worlds.”

Here is a link to the radio program

There are 3 parts I think in all. The above link is to the first program in the series.  

Here is a quote from the transcript of the program, just to give you the flavor of the depth of the issues discussed. Elizabeth Marquardt is speaking:

 
"It does. The children of divorce are handed a really big job. When parents are married, it's their job to do some of this work—this hard work of making sense of your different values, your different beliefs, your different backgrounds. When they get divorced, that job doesn't go away. It just gets handed to their child instead—who is 4, or 8, or 12 years old. Their child is, and always will be, throughout their childhood, looking to their mom and dad as the first and most important role models for their own moral and spiritual formation.
Now, these role models live completely separate lives—lives that, to a child, often seem to be polar opposites. When the child asks those big questions of moral and spiritual identity—“Who am I?” “Where do I belong?” “What is true?” “What is right and wrong?” “Is there a God?”—they're looking to two different models—that often seem as different as night and day—and those two people aren't talking about this kind of big stuff anymore. They're not fighting about it, they're not talking about it—nothing—but the child is wrestling with the differences that the child sees in each of their worlds.
That conflict, that used to be between the parents, has now gotten transferred to the child's inner life. It's within the child's own life—in a very lonely, overwhelming way—that the child is trying to confront these big questions. I think it's the distinctive experience of the child of divorce."

and a link to the book. Please read the reviews - they are touching


Another book which I have been recommending for years is Judith Wallerstein's
The Unexpected legacy of Divorce: the 25 Year Landmark Study.

Here is a short review to introduce the book.

  Finally in paperback, the New York Times bestseller that has fundamentally changed the way children of divorce see themselves as adults--updated with a new preface by the author.

Divorce is at once a widespread reality and a painful decision, so it is no surprise that this landmark study of its long-term effects should both spark debate and find a large audience.

In this compelling, thought-provoking book, Judith Wallerstein explains that, while children do learn to cope with divorce, it in fact takes its greatest toll in adulthood, when the sons and daughters of divorced parents embark on romantic relationships of their own. Wallerstein sensitively illustrates how children of divorce often feel that their relationships are doomed, seek to avoid conflict, and fear commitment. Failure in their loving relationships often seems to them preordained, even when things are going smoothly. As Wallerstein checks in on the adults she first encountered as youngsters more than twenty-five years ago, she finds that their experiences mesh with those of the millions of other children of divorce, who will find themselves on every page.

With more than 100,000 copies in print, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce spent three weeks on the New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and Denver Post bestseller lists. The book was also featured on two episodes of Oprah as well as on the front cover of Time and the New York Times Book Review.

If you have kids and you are contemplating divorce, and your relationship is not violent, I highly recommend you read these books and think twice before you leap into divorce. You deserve to be fully informed.

I recently came across an excellent research project that found that, by and large, unhappily married  people who divorce are no happier 5 years later. Surprisingly, people who think "well I am unhappy in my marriage and if I get divorced I will be happier" often turns out not to be true. I will discuss this in greater detail in a forthcoming post.