I Am Unhappy in My Marriage
The following are excerpts from my popular article What is the Number One Cause of Divorce. It is also a chapter in my new book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage. I include it here because before you can objectively look at unhappiness in marriage, it is wise to first look at resentment.
Resentment robs you of objectivity. Resentment makes you negative and feel empty. First look at the resentment, and we have resources including my new book, as well as the Christian meditation) that can help you deal with resentment when you discover it.
Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?
Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?
If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .
I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
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I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
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We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
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What I have discovered in my 24 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
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And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the other person. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.
So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.
If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions. . . . . . .Read the whole article
"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your computer, Android or Kindle).
The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.
Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.
Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.
If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.
Rola
nd Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years. In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.
