How to Save Your Marriage
The following is a transcription of a radio interview of Dr. Roland Trujillo by Mike Simon recorded this year.
Mike: Welcome to the program. Today we have a real treat. My guest in the studio is Dr. Roland Trujillo and we're going to talk about fighting in relationships. First of all, welcome Dr. Trujillo, what shall I call you?
A. Thanks for inviting me. Just call me Roland, please.
Q. Okay, Roland. I'd like to give the listening audience a little biographical information first. If I get something wrong, please correct me.
A. Sure.
Q. It says here that you have a Masters Degree in Human Relations and a PhD in Pastoral Psychology. It also says here that you are board certified by the American Board of Professional Counselors and are a member of the American Psychotherapy Association. Is that right.
A. Yes. But what I have to say is based on observation and intuition. And I always ask people to run what I have to say by their common sense. I don't want people to be wowed or awed by the degrees.
Q. We have a very intelligent audience, so get ready for some tough questions.
A. I look forward to it.
Q. I want to get right to the important stuff so I'll just say that you have had a radio advice program for 20 years, taught graduate and undergraduate courses for 18 years, have written 8 books and have three blogs dedicated to relationships.
A. I've been busy haven't I?
Q. (laughter) Indeed. And finally, are you married and do you have kids?
A. Yes, we will soon celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary, and our son is in college.
Q. Great. Okay, here goes. What percentage of couples argue?
A. 100 percent. Let me explain. Somewhere along the line every couple argues. But I have to add a couple of comments.
Mike. 100 percent?
Roland: That's right. But there are a couple of qualifications. First, I have to rule out the marriage on paper only--you know, the so called marriages of convenience like the Hollywood stars used to do for publicity purposes.
Secondly, I have to say that in about half the marriages, one side wimps out and then keeps quiet for peace (so the kids don't see arguing for example).
But I like to talk about the rule rather than the exception. Most relationships have lots of fighting interspersed with periods of calm. In fact, the average marriage begins with bliss, then vying for power in a game of ego one upsmanship, then when the halo effect wears off and the couple settles down to reality, there are good times and bad times, with arguments and making up.
Some marriages eventually settle down into a modus vivendi where one side tends to give in most of the time, and on the surface everything looks fine but there are resentments and unfinished business underneath.
Mike: Wow. You just described my parents marriage. Dad was kind of quiet. He let Mom be pretty much in charge. He didn't say much. Mom complained about Dad quite a bit. Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage. But I have to say that Mom told us kids that she was unhappy.
Roland: Well, there you go. So what I am trying to do is help people like your mom and dad. In other words, basically good people. Since they are both good people, it is a shame that they should be secretly unhappy. I want them to be happy and stay married. Married happily ever after is what I would like to see and I think it is possible.
Mike: Roland, I have to tell you that I'm married. My wife is wonderful and we've been married 6 years. I do find myself clamming up quite a bit.
Roland: Do you have kids?
Mike: Yes. We have a 4 year old and a 6 year old.
Roland: And you don't want the kids to see you fighting, so you tend to give in for peace?
Mike: That's right.
Roland: Now you know what your Dad felt like! But for every dad that clams up for peace there are moms who do the same thing. And can you see that if you are, pardon me I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just saying this because it might help some of your listeners. . . .
Mike: Sure.
Roland: . . . if you become wimpy by failing to speak up, you give her the power and she becomes in charge. When things go wrong, you can secretly blame her. But can you see how by saddling her with the responsibility and failing to be strong in a fatherly sort of way--she is tempted to resent you and have contempt for your wimpiness?
Mike: Wow.
Roland: Then in your weakness, you eventually become just like your dad and she will be unhappy just like your mom!
Mike: I think it's time for a break! (laughter) When we get back I will open the lines for callers.
We've got about a minute before the break. Is there anything you would like to add?
Roland: Yes, Mike. I have to say that my biggest disappointment has been the way most visitors to my blog just show up for about 15 seconds and then leave.
Mike: Why is that?
Answer: It's because that's the average time that people stay at one place before they click on something else. But here I am with all these resources and help, and they miss it.
Mike: If there were one thing that you would like them to know before they leave, what is it?
A. That resentment underlies 99% of the negative emotions in a relationship. That's why I make people aware of the underlying dynamics, so that they can see, really see what is going on. They will then be able to have some compassion for their partner and for themselves. They will also see that we are all in the same boat, and understanding will help them forgive their parents too.
Mike: Thanks, Roland
Read more about marriage and find out more about Roland's book.
.
Mike: Welcome to the program. Today we have a real treat. My guest in the studio is Dr. Roland Trujillo and we're going to talk about fighting in relationships. First of all, welcome Dr. Trujillo, what shall I call you?
A. Thanks for inviting me. Just call me Roland, please.
Q. Okay, Roland. I'd like to give the listening audience a little biographical information first. If I get something wrong, please correct me.
A. Sure.
Q. It says here that you have a Masters Degree in Human Relations and a PhD in Pastoral Psychology. It also says here that you are board certified by the American Board of Professional Counselors and are a member of the American Psychotherapy Association. Is that right.
A. Yes. But what I have to say is based on observation and intuition. And I always ask people to run what I have to say by their common sense. I don't want people to be wowed or awed by the degrees.
Q. We have a very intelligent audience, so get ready for some tough questions.
A. I look forward to it.
Q. I want to get right to the important stuff so I'll just say that you have had a radio advice program for 20 years, taught graduate and undergraduate courses for 18 years, have written 8 books and have three blogs dedicated to relationships.
A. I've been busy haven't I?
Q. (laughter) Indeed. And finally, are you married and do you have kids?
A. Yes, we will soon celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary, and our son is in college.
Q. Great. Okay, here goes. What percentage of couples argue?
A. 100 percent. Let me explain. Somewhere along the line every couple argues. But I have to add a couple of comments.
Mike. 100 percent?
Roland: That's right. But there are a couple of qualifications. First, I have to rule out the marriage on paper only--you know, the so called marriages of convenience like the Hollywood stars used to do for publicity purposes.
Secondly, I have to say that in about half the marriages, one side wimps out and then keeps quiet for peace (so the kids don't see arguing for example).
But I like to talk about the rule rather than the exception. Most relationships have lots of fighting interspersed with periods of calm. In fact, the average marriage begins with bliss, then vying for power in a game of ego one upsmanship, then when the halo effect wears off and the couple settles down to reality, there are good times and bad times, with arguments and making up.
Some marriages eventually settle down into a modus vivendi where one side tends to give in most of the time, and on the surface everything looks fine but there are resentments and unfinished business underneath.
Mike: Wow. You just described my parents marriage. Dad was kind of quiet. He let Mom be pretty much in charge. He didn't say much. Mom complained about Dad quite a bit. Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage. But I have to say that Mom told us kids that she was unhappy.
Roland: Well, there you go. So what I am trying to do is help people like your mom and dad. In other words, basically good people. Since they are both good people, it is a shame that they should be secretly unhappy. I want them to be happy and stay married. Married happily ever after is what I would like to see and I think it is possible.
Mike: Roland, I have to tell you that I'm married. My wife is wonderful and we've been married 6 years. I do find myself clamming up quite a bit.
Roland: Do you have kids?
Mike: Yes. We have a 4 year old and a 6 year old.
Roland: And you don't want the kids to see you fighting, so you tend to give in for peace?
Mike: That's right.
Roland: Now you know what your Dad felt like! But for every dad that clams up for peace there are moms who do the same thing. And can you see that if you are, pardon me I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just saying this because it might help some of your listeners. . . .
Mike: Sure.
Roland: . . . if you become wimpy by failing to speak up, you give her the power and she becomes in charge. When things go wrong, you can secretly blame her. But can you see how by saddling her with the responsibility and failing to be strong in a fatherly sort of way--she is tempted to resent you and have contempt for your wimpiness?
Mike: Wow.
Roland: Then in your weakness, you eventually become just like your dad and she will be unhappy just like your mom!
Mike: I think it's time for a break! (laughter) When we get back I will open the lines for callers.
We've got about a minute before the break. Is there anything you would like to add?
Roland: Yes, Mike. I have to say that my biggest disappointment has been the way most visitors to my blog just show up for about 15 seconds and then leave.
Mike: Why is that?
Answer: It's because that's the average time that people stay at one place before they click on something else. But here I am with all these resources and help, and they miss it.
Mike: If there were one thing that you would like them to know before they leave, what is it?
A. That resentment underlies 99% of the negative emotions in a relationship. That's why I make people aware of the underlying dynamics, so that they can see, really see what is going on. They will then be able to have some compassion for their partner and for themselves. They will also see that we are all in the same boat, and understanding will help them forgive their parents too.
Mike: Thanks, Roland
Read more about marriage and find out more about Roland's book.
.
