Christian Marriage Advice

Where Can I Get Low Cost Christian Counseling Online

2012-01-17T11:46:00.001-08:00

Do you have a marriage or relationship issue you would like
like some feedback on, guidance, or a second opinion from a professional Christian counselor?

Why talk to anyone else when you can talk to a Senior Pastor. Many people have a marriage or relationship issue and would like to talk to a pastor, but they prefer to do so confidentially. They like their pastor but they don't want him to know. Other people are between churches, don't have a church, or just want to talk to a professional who is open to religion and spirituality.

"I'm a pastor." says Pastor Roland who has an earned MS and Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology. I am a spiritual care giver and I can also direct people to resources to get their questions answered.

And I make myself available to people on the internet. I've been helping people via my radio program, books, articles, and private counsel for 22 years.

Many people want to talk to a priest or pastor. They have a spiritual issue they are dealing with or they need some feedback or counsel. They want to tell someone about something they want to get off their mind. They want to start moving forward. They want a person who is concerned, trustworthy, and sincere.

But they don't want to talk to just "someone" like some unknown counselor, prayer partner or faceless person. They don't want to talk to someone who is just getting started and doesn't have the wisdom and understanding of years. They want to talk to someone who has experience and who is mature. Someone solid and with some authority.

Others want to talk now and not next week. Some people are home bound. Some people want to get started now. They also like to be able to pick someone they are comfortable with.

It is for this reason that I am here.

If you would like prayer, click on the prayer request tab at the top of the page.

You don't have to be a Christian to talk to me. I'm just interested in solutions, recovery, optimal living and solving issues.

Get in touch with Roland for pastoral counseling or advice to get some feedback using our easy

Online Counseling for a Donation

Why wait, or spend gas driving across town? Talk to a someone from the convenience of your home or office. Get professional counseling that fits your budget and schedule.

I am available 7 days a week for your convenience.
"I'm here to help. Whether you just need an outside opinion about a family or relationship issue, or whether you would like some feedback on a personal, private issue, I'm a good listener.

My service is fast, friendly and confidential. Chat in confidence, and speak freely. We all need another opinion and feedback sometimes. That's what I'm here for. Chat with me from the convenience of your home 7 days a week.

Many people prefer online counseling to prevent having a mental health record with insurance companies.

I have Masters Degree in Human Relations and have advanced doctoral studies in pastoral psychology. I am an ordained minister and I am a Board Certified Professional Counselor. I am the author of 12 books on solving relationship, emotional and stress issues.

I have been advising and providing confidential advice and feedback about life's problems for over 20 years.

There are two options

Option One

For a donation you can chat (texting) with me.

Option Two

For a donation you can get your question answered by email. You will also be entitled to one free 20 minute chat session. Just donate below at Paypal and I will contact you by email within 24 hours about getting started right away.

Just click here to donate
,

Thank you

Super Low Cost Christian Counseling Online for Budget Conscious Savings

2012-01-17T11:15:00.000-08:00

There are two options

Option One

For a donation of $19.50 you can chat (texting) with me for up to 60 minutes. And as a bonus, receive a free ebook of my new book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage. All for only $19.50. Just donate below using Paypal and I will contact you by email within 24 hours to arrange for your personal and confidential chat session.

Question: "Pastor, can I divide my 60 minutes into 2 or 3 sessions? Like two 30 minute sessions?"
Answer: Absolutely. In fact that sound's like a great idea and many people prefer two or three shorter sessions over a two week periond. (It gives them time to read my free book too!)

Option Two

For a donation of $22.50 you can have 4 email exchanges (four in and four out) for a one month period. You will also be entitled to one free 20 minute chat session. You will also receive a free ebook. All for only $22.50 Just donate below at Paypal and I will contact you by email within 24 hours about getting started right away.

Just click here to donate
,

Thank you

I Love My Husband But I'm Unhappy - Pastor, Poet, Mentor has the Answer

2012-01-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

The song says love and marriage
Go together
Like a horse and carriage.
If so, why is marriage so disparaged?

A marriage of two selfish people
Will not be good
When both partners brood.
Even if the wedding was under a steeple.

But don't worry,
And don't be in a hurry.
We're all a bit selfish before we grow,
That's what lifelong learning is for.

So if you feel there is something missing,
Start by being more forgiving.

No one is perfect, least of all you.
He chose you, but you chose him too.

You knew he wasn't perfect way back then,
And now you want to start all over again?
Think a new partner will be any better?
You'll say Swiss and he'll say cheddar.

"Mirror, mirror, square or round,
Who's the fairest one in town?"
It isn't you, and you know it's true,
If you are resentful and wear a frown. "

But I'm always nice and helpful as can be.
I'm always doing for others,
I'm busy, busy, busy."
Yes, but under all your doing,
Resentment is stewing.

When you go the extra mile,
You secretly judge others for not appreciating you.
While on the surface you wore a smile,
Underneath your resentment grew.

To make unhappiness go away
And start feeling better today,
Roland says here's how to start--
Better to wear a smile on your heart,
than a smile on your face
For everyone in town.

Don't be like the circus clown
Who smiles but is secretly wearing a frown.

When you are smiling inside
You won't even remember why you cried.

To forgive is to forget
You're asking how to forgive, I bet.

The answer is easy:
Just remember to no longer resent
And you'll wonder where the bitterness went
When you remember to be more forgiving.

There won't be any misgiving,
And you'll give thanksgiving
For the joy you will be feeling.
No more tired and blue,
And your husband will notice it too.

I Worry All the Time - the Poet Pastor Has an Answer

2011-12-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

Pastor, I'm in a hurry
But I need your advice.
All I do is worry
And rethink everything twice.

I worry about this and I worry about that.
Whether I'm too thin or maybe too fat.

Did I remember to feed the cat?

Did I turn off the television?
Did I wait until the dryer stopped spinning?
Did I turn on the answering machine?
Was that real or was it a dream??

Will I ever meet someone?
With me, does anyone ever have fun?
Did I commit the unpardonable sin?
When I arrive will they let me in?

I dread having to give a speech tomorrow.
Why am I always behind a hard act to follow?
I'm worried about today,
I'm still worrying about yesterday.
Does my hair look okay?

Pastor, I need your help and suggestion.
But I'm worried you won't answer my question.
_____________

Don't worry or fear,
Pastor Roland is here.
He's the Poet Pastor
And he's got an answer.

Relax and get a good night's rest.
Pastor Roland's answers are the best.
He'll have an answer for you;
It will be ready tomorrow by noon.

The Ten Biggest Mistakes Men Make - Mistake Number One

2011-12-21T13:40:00.000-08:00

Where are all the male relationship advice talk show hosts? They just don't exist.

Dr. Laura and Dr. Joy Browne have been around a long time and do a great job. But where are the men? They are a "no show." So it looks like I'm the man.

That's why I am writing my new book about the 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make. No one else can write it. They just don't have the insight or the love.

I know what some of you are going to say - there are many men relationship counselors on Christian radio. You are right, but I'm talking about mainstream secular radio. Besides, well known Christian family and relationship counselors are, in my opinion, very wimpy.

They don't understand what women and the kids really need from a man.

They think the man has to be nicer. And if he is nicer, then everything will be fine. So you men trying to be nicer by bringing flowers, helping her vacuum, doing the dishes, and telling her how much they love her with little love notes on the refrigerator.

Meanwhile the family still suffers, and he scratches his head and never figures it out.

I'm not going to give away the contents of the book. But I will give you one hint.

Men - most of the time "nice" means weak. A woman-worshiping male who wants something from his girl friend will tip toe around and be very nice so he can get what he wants.

A guilty husband, who had lunch with someone at the office or who is smoking behind his wife's back, will act very nice. The husband who leaves his wife in charge of everything, including the kids' education, is nice.

A man whose wife or kids feel he is not there for them and who then goes to some counselor or marriage mentor where he is told to be nicer, more considerate and thoughtful - will try to please them and will fail.

These are weak men and their partners know it.

Of course, the seeming opposite - being mean, dictatorial or angry - is even worse. Both extremes are error.

What I am trying to convey is that there is a middle ground. Neither wimpy on the one hand, nor angry on the other. I'm not talking about being or uninvolved, letting the wife run everything. I'm not talking about being bland. I'm definitely not talking about being quixotic, vacillating, or mercurial--cruel one mind and kind the next.

I'm talking about firm but fair. The expression tough love comes to mind. Firm but not angry and kind but not weak. Perhaps you men can see that you may not know h9ow to be this way. You are always going to extremes. Your family needs something from you but you don't know what it is. What they need to see is agape love -emotionless love. You cannot find this type of special love in a book, or from counselors or experts. It comes from within. It cannot be taught, you have to reach within and find it.

You may have seen something analogous is sports. Certain players have an extra gear. They rise to the occasion. They are best at the end of the game. You must find something similar, but in the case of your family, it is a deep love that makes you stand for what is right, even if you become unpopular. It means knowing what is really good for another (not what they are asking for), and having the courage to do the right thing. Because your words and actions are based in love, a love within that is not dependent on the love and support of others, your actions spring from faith and love. That is why you can be firm and principled without anger. Get it?

Remember John Wayne? Remember Clark Gable in Gone With the Wind? Remember Gary Cooper in High Noon? They portrayed men who had character. They stood for something. They were firm, but they also had a tender side. They loved principle more than anything.

They loved principle more than their wife (but their wives felt secure because she knew he could be trusted and would never fail her). They were not people pleasers.

Have you ever seen Miracle on 34th Street (the original version, the one with Natalie Wood)? If you have not seen it, you definitely should. The move is about a man who played Santa Claus in the Macy's Parade and in the department store. In this story, he not only plays Santa Claus; he really is Santa Claus. The plot revolves around a little girl and her mom who are cynical and don't believe in Santa. But as time passes, they both come to love this kind man and eventually discover his true identity. Santa calls himself Kris Kringle. He is portrayed as kind, tenderhearted, concerned, and full of love. But he is not wimpy.

At one point he becomes very firm with an incompetent personnel department psychologist and gives him a piece of his mind in no uncertain terms. In other words, Kris Kringle is a principled, honorable, kind man, who stands for what was right. He stands for principle and speaks his mind with firmness, but not with anger. He always has a twinkle in his eye.

We all need to see this kind of strength: someone standing for principle but without anger.

Men - stand for something. Learn to be honorable and principled, without anger or resentment. Be a man and love principle. Then your wife and kids will have something to respect.

If you are a people pleaser and too nice, they may like you (they like like having their way with you), but they won't respect you.

If you are angry or violent - no wonder they hate you. They may fear you, but there is no love, and there can be no true respect either. Anger and violence are wrong, and they secretly judge and hate you for your wrong. Anger and violence are also weakness. Anger taints anything you say. Even though your message may be right, the anger ruins it and tempts others to reject it and rebel.

Many men, on the other hand, are not violent or angry. They are decent. They do say the right things, but they say them too weakly. They are afraid of offending. Thus their family is tempted to walk all over them and to be contemptuous. Sensing that your weakness is tempting them, they will also resent you.

If you are a decent guy and are home every evening; If you don't drink, take drugs, cheat, smoke marijuana, gamble, use bad words or get violent - then you have gotten to first base and there is hope for you. You just need to find that missing something--which the movie heroes I mentioned had.

You find it within when you realize that you don't have it. You see your family needing you to be their hero. You have discovered that just earning money and being home every night, as good as those things are, somehow are not enough. You have discovered that anger does not work. You are also finding out that being a weak people pleaser does not work either.

You also know that compensations--money, big muscles, intellect, being accomplished in business or sports, or even being an important person at church--do not work.

You see your lack, and you yearn with all your heart to be the man your family needs.

This is the attitude, if it is sincere, that will set the stage for your beginning to find the inner character and self motivation that you need. When your family sees this in you, they will respond to it, with hope.

Remember - be like Kris Kringle. Always have a twinkle in your eye.

Pastor Roland is There for Thee, Don't Forget to Add Him to your Shopping Spree

2011-12-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

Pastor's out spreading lots of holiday cheer
And he knows you're all glad that he is here.
But for Pastor Roland the cupboards are bare,
Because the money just isn't there.

Since he won't ask, I'll ask on his behalf.
So here goes - and don't laugh.
Pastor needs some money,
He's so broke it isn't funny.

Only a hundred dollars will pay his radio dues.
Even fifty dollars will take away his holiday blues.
Can you afford twenty five?
It would keep his internet alive.

Okay - how about ten or even seven?
It will make him exclaim "Thank Heavens!"
So now it's up to you to choose.
Be a hero or an Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Please don't make him wait.
Give a little today, just click on Donate.
Or put a check in the mail,
And Fluffy will wag his tail.

Any donation will do,
And there'll be a free eBook for you.

Merry Christmas,
Love and kisses!

Please don't hesitate,
Just click here to donate
,

or send a check or money order to:
Roland Trujillo
1698 Market Street, Box 282
Redding, CA 96001

Thank you

A marriage of 2 Selfish People Will Not be Good When Both Partners Brood - a new poem by the Radio Advice Man

2011-12-15T16:25:00.000-08:00

The song says love and marriage
Go together
Like a horse and carriage.
If so, why is marriage so disparaged?

A marriage of two selfish people
Will not be good
When both partners brood.
Even if the wedding was under a steeple.

But don't worry,
And don't be in a hurry.
We're all a bit selfish before we grow,
That's what lifelong learning is for.

So if you feel there is something missing,
Start by being more forgiving.
No one is perfect, least of all you.
He chose you, but you chose him too.

You knew he wasn't perfect way back then,
And now you want to start all over again?

Think a new partner will be any better?
You'll say Swiss and he'll say cheddar.

"Mirror, mirror, square or round,
Who's the fairest one in town?"
It isn't you, and you know it's true,
If you are resentful and wear a frown.

"But I'm always nice
and helpful as can be.
I'm always doing for others,
I'm busy, busy, busy."

Yes, but under all your doing,
Resentment is stewing.
You secretly judge others
for not appreciating you.
So you smile on the surface,
but underneath
You sulked as your resentment grew.

Roland says here's how to start--
Better to wear a smile on your heart,
than a smile on your face for everyone in town.
Don't be like the circus clown
Wearing a pretend happy face,
But secretly wearing a frown.

When you remember to be more forgiving,
There won't be any misgiving,
And you'll give thanksgiving
For the joy you will be feeling.
No more tired and blue,
And your husband will notice it too.

Free Holiday Counseling Advice - Beat the Holiday Blues with a New Attitude - One of My Favorite Romantic Holiday Songs Too

2011-11-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

To all my friends around the world, here is one of my favorite holiday songs. Free Holiday chat coming soon!

Christian Parenting Book - What Does Santa Say about Spanking, Time outs, and Discipline? Now in eBook and Paperback

2011-11-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

I know what you are going to say, because I have heard it before.

I even heard it from a nice lady who was a receptionist at an office I used to visit. I told her that I was writing a book about parenting.

"What are you writing about right now?" she asked.

I said: "Right now I'm writing about how awful it is to force a child to stay in her room just because she was a little slow in cleaning her room. "

She said: "That's what I do with my daughter. I make her stay in her room."

I shook my head. This nice lady has thick glasses on, and I could see a picture behind her desk of a little angelic looking girl with thick glasses on (I'm guessing this was her daughter).

I said, "Why don't you try patience?"

Do you know what she said?

She said, "I tried patience and it doesn't work!"

I assured her that patience does work.

You see--she, like so many other parents, doesn't think that patience will work.

It's because she never gave it a chance. No wonder she says it doesn't work.

You see, patience never fails.

Well, here's something I know for sure. Patience=love.

So now I am going to prove to you that patience does work.

I know that if I can convince you that patience works, both you and your child will be much happier.

All you have to do is preview the first 40 or 50 pages free and you will have discovered several strategies that are based in patience and that really work.

I will be happy if Santa helps improve your relationship with your child.

Written in the tradition of LePetit Prince and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, this magical little book is the best kept secret in parenting literature. It can be read as a heart warming story; but like Le Petit Prince, it also is filled with profound insights and meaning.

Santa's Take on Parenting can be read over and over. It has the amazing quality of sparking new insight each time it is read. It makes a great gift.

But don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.

Preview online at Scribd in eBook format for a discount

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids with issues who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

"Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD and Senior Pastor has written the book (now at Amazon.com) on alternatives to spanking. It is called Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole. It will actually mentor you in learning how to apply patience and wisdom in working with your kids. It is also one of the sweetest books ever written and is right up there with Miracle on 34th Street as an all time reminder of what love is all about. "

"Little kids don't need discipline, they need direction and redirection. They need watching with love, kindness, and patience. Older kids need the loving presence of an involved aware parent. They need mentoring, coaching, and a parent who sets a good example. I'm going to tell you the truth. Time outs or spanking are poor substitutes for patience and wisdom.
.

Written in the tradition of Le Petit Prince and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, this beautiful little book can be read as a heart warming story; but like Le Petit Prince, it also is filled with profound insights and meaning. Santa's Take on Parenting can be read over and over, and it makes a great gift.

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in both quality paperback and in Kindle.

Now at Barnes and Noble Nookbook. In color!

I know that if I can convince you that patience works, both you and your child will be much happier.

All you have to do is preview the first 40 or 50 pages free and you will have discovered several strategies that are based in patience and that really work.

I will be happy if Santa helps improve your relationship with your child.

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids with issues who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

.

Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole

.What does Santa have to say about homework, discipline, and chores?
.
Santa Claus has finally spoken on the subject of parenting. Who is better suited to give advice than the one who has brought joy and delight to children for as long as anyone can remember?
.
In this modern day Santa story for parents, the reader follows Santa and Mrs. Claus as they work with a couple of kids who come to stay with them. The results are positive and inspirational, as Santa teaches by example how patience and creativity can make parenting a lot more fun and easy.

"In this fun filled educational book, the author introduces innovative parenting strategies by using the power of story telling to take the reader on a fictional visit with Santa and Mrs. Claus. The reader learns how Santa and Mrs. Claus handle issues that arise with a pair of youngsters who spend a few months with the Clauses."
.
What are "time outs Santa Style?"
.
How does Santa solve discipline and communication issues?
.
What's on Santa's do's and don'ts list?
.

Click Here to Look Inside!

What is Santa's secret to making chores fun and easy?
.
What does Santa say to parents about getting off to a good start?
.
You'll find the answers to these questions and more in this book, destined to become a classic. Roland's new book is a Santa story for grownups with many teachable moments.

Santa's Take on Parenting is a handbook for parents. It has many new, easy to use creative solutions to typical kids issues.

But it is also a fun read and a good story. For example, you will also find out

What does Mrs. Claus do?
What does Mrs. Claus feed Santa?
What is Santa's favorite snack
What does Santa look like?
Does Santa use a computer
What sitting in Santa's sleigh is like
And much more

What others are saying about Santa's Take

"Every parent should read this book."
--Suzy, real estate broker, San Francisco, CA

"Your book is great and should go over well."
Dee, principal, Anderson, CA

“Santa's Take on Parenting" is a real find. I was looking for a book that makes the case for positive and creative parenting without spanking or excessive reliance on punishment.
I plan to provide a copy to my moms and dads who are just getting started or soon to be parents. I also wish to make it "required reading" for parents who need some coaching in positive parenting. Santa's Take will make learning about parenting fun and easier for lots of busy parents.
— Mary, parent educator, Emeryville, CA.

.
“Whimsical" After I read Santa's Take on Parenting, I gave a copy to my adoptive and foster parent agency to have in their lending library. — Alicia, mother of three, Northern California

Your kids will listen when you say "Santa says."
.
.Ideal for parents, grandparents, foster parents and anyone who loves kids.
.

Order the beautiful quality paperback edition at Amazon.com as a gift for someone you love
.

10% of every dollar is donated directly to needy shelters for people (and pets too)!

.

and now available for Kindle too!

.

A Word to Parents, Foster Parents and Grandparents
The Issue:

You like giving books as gifts, but you want to give a book that is fun and useful. You need a book for a dad, a mom, a teenage mom, a friend, or someone who just works with kids.

The Solution:

Santa's Take on Parenting reads like a novel, is good for both moms and dads, has dozens of parenting tips, and is fun to read.

The Issue:

You know someone who could use some fresh ideas for dealing with their kids. But you don't want to be intrusive or raise resistance.

The Solution:

Santa's Take on Parenting is a fun read and it has lots of creative positive ideas without being heavy handed. It can be read as a good story or as a parenting book.

No Particular Issue, you're just interested in parenting and want to read a good book.

The Solution: Santa's Take on Parenting

.

Use this special link, and 20% of every dollar will be donated directly to needy shelters for people (and pets too!)

.

Disciplining Your Child - Don't Buy Any Cleverly Marketed Program Until You Read This

2011-11-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

Santa and Mrs. Claus are master mentors when it comes to parenting. Want a good read? Would you like to follow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they deal with parenting issues with love and wisdom?

It's better than attending a class and you don't even have to leave home or use any gas.

For the approaching holiday season I am also beginning a super new service. Free chat for parenting questions.

Buy the book and then you can ask me any parenting question free! You can also ask me a question free before you buy this book or any other book or program for that matter.

My Talk to a Pastor Online Free chat is so popular I am extending to answer parenting questions. I am the author of Santa's Take on Parenting which is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Preview the Santa parenting book free online

Here is a sample of one of my recent posts where someone asked about disciplining a 4 year old.

Most kids don't need discipline, they need direction and redirection. They need watching with love, kindness, and patience.

When I was a kid I fidgeted, interrupted, didn't pay attention, spoke out of turn, and was full of boundless energy. I liked taking things apart, and then could never get them back together again.

Lucky for me, my parents had such huge relationship, mental health, work and financial issues that they were so busy with everything else that they never got around to directing their full attention to me. So I was never diagnosed with anything or put on meds. (Except one teacher informally diagnosed me as a juvenile delinquent when I broke another kid's eraser).

So, like Bart Simpson and Tom Sawyer, I survived. I outgrew my issues and graduated from high school with a full four year academic scholarship. I became a corporate manager and college instructor (with no adult ADHD symptoms).

I'm going to tell you the truth. Time outs or spanking are usually substitutes for patience. Often after we have become upset and frustrated, our patience runs out. If we are not yelling, then we are looking for some way to force the child to comply. Usually it is mostly for our own benefit--to get the issue over with and return to whatever else we were doing. We're glad to send them off to school so that we can have peace.

We might even resort to a canned, cleverly marketed Orwellian behavior modification program to sugar coat forced compliance.

I know what you are going to say, because I have heard it before.

I even heard it from a nice lady who was a receptionist at an office I used to visit. I told her that I was writing a book about parenting.

"What are you writing about right now?" she asked.

I said: "Right now I'm writing about how awful it is to force a child to stay in her room just because she was a little slow in cleaning her room. "

She said: "That's what I do with my daughter. I make her stay in her room."

I shook my head. This nice lady has thick glasses on, and I could see a picture behind her desk of a little angelic looking girl with thick glasses on (I'm guessing this was her daughter).

I said, "Why don't you try patience?"

Do you know what she said?

She said, "I tried patience and it doesn't work!"

I assured her that patience does work.

You see--she, like so many other parents, doesn't think that patience will work. But it's because she never gave it a chance. Resentment, frustration and upset toward her daughter blocked patience so it never came to the fore. No wonder she says it doesn't work. It wasn't there.

You see, patience never fails.

Well, here's something I know for sure. Patience=love.

So now I am going to prove to you that patience does work.

I know that if I can convince you that patience works, both you and your child will be much happier.

All you have to do is preview the first 40 or 50 pages free and you will have discovered several strategies that are based in patience and that really work.

But I quickly want to mention why you run out of patience: it is resentment. Resentment washes away patience and reason, and makes you feel frustrated, angry and upset.

I can help you with letting go of resentment.

I will be happy if Santa helps improve your relationship with your child.

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids with issues who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

Click on the contact tab if you would like to find out about receiving a autographed copy of the book personally inscribed for you.

Christian Counseling Online - the 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make in Relationships

2011-11-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

Why Do So Many Relationships Break Up

2011-11-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

The following are excerpts from my popular article What is the Number One Cause of Divorce

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.

.
I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.

.
We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
.
What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.

.
And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the other person. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions.

. . . . . . . . . . . .Read the whole article

.
Read Chapter One from the book My Husband and I Argue All the Time - Time tested truths for healing relationships (this is my classic book which I wrote several years ago. You might want to check out my latest book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage)

Read Avoiding Divorce by Giving up Resentment

Christian Counseling Online for Sexual or Internet Addictions

2011-10-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to announce that I am now accepting clients who are struggling with internet addictions.

This is a growing phenomenon and there needs to be competent, compassionate pastoral counseling available for this issue.

While I never seek to replace face to face counseling and I never seek to take the place of a person's local pastor or spiritual caregiver, the truth is that there is a desperate need for a competent online pastoral counselor

People are embarrassed to talk to their local pastor and therefore may avoid getting help at all

People are afraid of revealing a personal issue to people who may talk about it to others in the community

People do not want to have a record following them around

They want to talk to someone anonymously

I am available for chat, phone, or email consultation at LivePerson. Liveperson is a safe, secure platform and your name, phone or email is not given to the counselor.

If you need help, or need to start moving forward to recovery, then please contact me today at LivePerson.

Pastor Roland Trujillo MS PhD BCPC

Why Do Christians Argue Over Money? Resentment Not Money Is the Big Issue Says Popular Radio Pastor

2011-10-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

Hello, this is Roland. With the current financial crisis, I decided to republish my classic chapter on dealing with financial difficulties here. The reason? Because we often fight over money. Frankly, the money is often not the main issue (it is a substitute for what is really going on). Nevertheless, finances are an issue. So regardless of what you are arguing about, and whether or not it involves money--there are some good (tough love) principles here. We all need to be reminded that the best things in life are not things. Your friend and champion of reconciliation, Roland

Don't Let Financial Problems Harm Your Marriage

Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems.

You can still be reasonably happy, healthy, loving, and cheerful in spite of external circumstances.

We all know this at some level. We have all heard that money can't buy you happiness. We've all seen families who have very little, but who have a lot of love. We've seen great men and women come out of poverty.

Many of us who are a bit older remember when we were young newlyweds, for example, and had nothing but a one room apartment, a lamp, and some boxes to sit on. We remember that we were happy, much happier than years later when we had many material possessions.

Some of us have experienced getting what we wanted, having our heart's desire and yet feeling miserable and unfulfilled.

Editor's Note: This is an excerpt from Roland's book My Husband and I Argue All the Time: time tested truths for healing relationships.

So if you know this, why do you get upset, worried, distraught, and begin to have a churning stomach when you can't pay all your bills or lose your job?

The reason why is both simple and profound. First the simple sound byte version: you've permitted yourself to become upset over trivial issues. Thus you indulged emotions, and now when the bigger issues arrive, you are easily thrown out of control. How can you remain calm in big troubles when you allow yourself to get upset by the little ones?

The simple answer is this: start to exercise what character you have left. Have some discipline. Be a man. Be a woman. Set a good example for your kids. Don't indulge worry, doubts, and fears. Never take counsel of your fears, as a great general once said. Be patient. Remember: this to shall pass. Get busy, do something: go for a walk. Help someone. Look for work. Volunteer. Forget self.

Pay special attention to and beware of anger, which makes you wrong and guilty, and which conditions you to be reactive and out of control. See how judgment leads to anger. Let go of judgment.

Now the more profound reason why we permit external circumstance to affect our inner life, and by extension our relationship with others. We are egotistical and selfish. We lack faith, and we have always been taught to look to the outside for answers or into our intellect for answers. We are too externalized.

In other words, we look to the outside world for guidance. We look to the outside for support and comfort for our ego. And when we are not looking to others, we are looking into our intellect, hoping to dredge up some answer from there.

Where we should be looking is to intuition, what we ascertain wordlessly in the inner Light from God. But we avoid intuition, because having strayed from it, it now comes back as 20-20 hindsight. It feels like conscience, and it makes us feel bad. And as long as we don't want to be sorry and admit our mistakes, we avoid feeling bad and shun conscience.

Of course, that is what just about everyone else is doing to. Can you see the folly of looking to some expert for guidance: an expert who is a prideful intellectual and who is devoid of conscience because he or she avoids conscience too? It is truly a case of the blind leading the blind.

But as I said, it is not totally your fault. You could not help inheriting the nature that is prone to being prideful. Nor could you help believing what everyone told you to do: get an education, look to experts for knowledge, be ambitious, set goals, and so on. You may have had a suspicion that there was something wrong with the teachers, educators, professors and experts' advice, since most of their own personal lives ended in failure.

But you did not grasp intuition (your hunch about such things) firmly enough. In your natural pridefulness, you wanted to get what you could out of life, and you went down the garden path that everyone else said was the way to go.

Without true faith, how could you argue with the material possessions, seeming pleasure, and monetary benefits others were getting from working the system?

Yet, perhaps you suspected that all was not what it was cut out to be. You may also have seen examples of people who were industrious but not ambitious, who were principled and honorable and who succeeded without copping out, lying, cheating or tricking people.

Now it is not your fault that the culture in which you live does everything in its power to convince you that the answer to your problems is out there somewhere. We are told education is the answer, that knowledge is the answer. We are told that romantic "love" is the answer. We are always looking to some person to make us happy, cure us, or give us some secret to getting rich. We are told the a house, a car, a bank account is the answer. We are told that financial security is the answer.

No, I'm not suggesting that we should endeavor to be poor or at the end of our rope. What I am saying is that "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Advertisers, and particularly the chemical pharmaceutical companies, spend billions to convince you that the answer to your problems lies in a pill.

We are treated like sheep, like children, even worse. We are treated as if we were animals: just chemicals, hormones, and stimulus response animals.

Until you fully grasp that you are a human being with a soul, and until you find the secret to the power of good available within to resolve problems, you will be at the mercy of those who want power over you.

Whenever we look to outside person, object, goal or substance for security, we become externalized and dependent. This leads to greater insecurity. Just think back to the last time you desperately wanted some outcome (even if it was making a putt on the golf course!). Your insecurity and anxiety increased.

The answer is within. The answer is in learning to become objective and aware, functioning from intuition, with faith, and the guiding of intuitive understanding, and the protection of God's inner Light. The answer is to trust more in your own God given intuition than in what others say.

So long as you look to the world for answers, for love, or for some sort of ego validation, you will remain tied to the world and dependent on it. You will become resentful when others betray you.

So long as you are externalized, when a change occurs, when the rain falls, the economy falters, or the customers aren't buying, you will become upset and frustrated.

Learn to go through life with equanimity. Do not become overly excited when things go well. Don't become crestfallen when they don't. Remember: man does not live by bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of God.

Also remember that other people are lost too. Others are externalized. They have not found the answer. No one loved them enough to tell them the truth. No one had the understanding to share with them the inner path to God.

Therefore you must not hate other people. Many of us have grudges against our parents for not guiding us properly and for letting something bad happen to us. Just remember: they could not give you what they did not have themselves. Also know that hatred and resentment cuts you off from inner love.

Self reliance, composure, and independence is what you need. When you are totally dependent on your Creator within, then you will no longer be dependent on outside security or love. And when you no longer need love, you will be able to give love.

But lo and behold, when you no longer are desperate for love, security or anything else, then chances are that things will turn around. Good things will come your way, people will seek you out (and you won't drive them away with your clinging need). You will begin to relate to everything properly.

Begin by letting go of your resentments against others, beginning with those closest to you. Stop looking to the world for love and guidance. Stand back and observe. Listen to what people have to say without reacting emotionally for or against them. When you read, don't get absorbed. Instead scan lightly for clues.

Hello, my name is Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD and a few years ago I wrote the book on arguing in marriage. It was entitled My Husband and I Argue--Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships. This classic book is still available (see one dollar special). I retitled it as Marriage Matters: Lessons from the past, Hope for the Future.

Now it's been updated and expanded to over 310 pages, with new chapters on infidelity, courtship, marital relations and more. It is now entitled The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

I am convinced that arguing is not necessarily a bad thing. There was a great Hollywood movie starring Spencer Tracy and Kathryn Hepburn called Adam's Rib. They argued all the time, but they loved each other. But I am also convinced that what IS bad and harmful is arguing with resentment. It is the resentment (often masquerading in other forms, even illness) that is harmful and needs to be eliminated. So I look at these three things:

1. Arguing in the wrong way. In other words with anger, then hurt feelings, resentful silence, suppressed hostility, getting even, and sometimes violence. This is not good. A few simple clues about how to argue in the right way just might solve your issue.Learn how to argue in the right way now and preview the book free. Now purchase, read and download to your computer or a mobile device for $1.00 (save 90%).

2. The second big issue is resentment. Resentment often masquerades as unhappiness, hurt feelings, moodiness, being repressed, depression and even anxiety. If you are resentful it is hurting your state of mind, your emotional well being, your kids, and even your health. 3. The third key is is the harm that negative emotions do--if you are angry underneath, it is hurting your state of mind, your emotional state, your spiritual well being, and ultimately your heath. It will also hurt your kids.

So it is quite clear that for your own good (and the good of your relationship), the first thing to focus on is the negative emotion. Regardless of what you are arguing about, whether or not he is right or wrong--first you must look at the negative emotions objectively, if for no other reason than to protect your well being. Then you will be able to protect your health, refind peace of mind, and improve your relationship.

If you are arguing in the wrong way, or if emotions are getting the better of you, then you need to read more. You've come to the right place if you are tired of bitterness or unhappiness, and you suspect that some physical symptoms might have a connection to the stress of arguing.

Upset, anger and hurt feelings are not good for peace of mind, and can actually ruin your health because of the stress toll they take.

Women tend to blame themselves when something is wrong with the relationship; but I have always said that it is almost always the man's fault. Men are generally either weak or violent--neither is good. Instead of blaming yourself, find out what is really going on between men and women.

Probably your emotions are out of control. But there is one emotion that you do have control over. Resentment. I would like to help you locate the resentment (often hidden or masquerading as some other symptom, even physical) and eliminate it from your life.

Without the anger, irritation, frustration and hurt feelings diminish, you can deal with what is happening with more composure (not bottling things up). Just think how good this would be for your body, your state of mind, your emotional health, your well being AND your relationship.

Read Roland's classic article: What is the Number One Cause of Divorce

Click here to purchase in handsome quality paperback edition exclusively at CafePress.

Special offer For a donation of any amount, get the book in eBook version as our gift--click here to look inside. This is also a good place to preview over 30 pages free.

Look inside and preview in eBook format at Scribd Purchase to read online or download to your computer or mobile device for only $1.00

Huge Fee Reduction for Marriage Counseling Online from Senior Pastor and Author Roland Trujillo

2011-10-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

Special huge discount for visitors to Christan Marriage advice who are looking for pastoral counseling or Christian marriage counseling. For a limited time only.

"Now, if you can afford 3 gallons of gas and a fast food meal, you can afford to get pastoral counseling."

For a limited time only, I have drastically reduced my counseling and advice fees at Liveperson for Talk to a Pastor Online visitors and guests. If you are looking for pastoral counseling, Christian counseling, or Christian marriage mentoring online - now is your opportunity to get the help and feedback you need for a huge savings.

A recent survey shows that most online counseling and e-therapy is from $1.75 to $2.00 or more per minute. This equates to $105 per hour to $120 per hour.

Because so many people wish to talk to a pastor but have a budget or limited funds, I do not want them to not be able to receive professional counseling.

Therefore I am reducing my fee to a low, low 50 cents per minute. This is the absolute lowest that Liveperson will allow.

Here's how it works. Click on the LivePerson button at the top of the website and read the information. If you wish to chat (text) with me or talk on the phone, then follow Liveperson's simple instructions. When you reach me, simply mention that you are coming from Christian Marriage Advice and you want the Special Discount. I will immediately adjust the fee to 50 cents per minute Before the session starts.

Many people start with a 20 minute or 30 minute session. At the reduced fee of 50 cents a minutes, that means $10 to $15.

If you can afford 3 gallons of gas and a fast food meal, you can afford to get pastoral counseling.

Prefer email? Many people prefer email because they have time to compose their email question. I will cut my email fee from $25 to only $10 for Talk to a Pastor visitors. Just send an email question at LivePerson and mention the Christian Marriage Advice Special Offer.

Visit Christian Padcast Directory Godcast1000 to See Pastor Roland's Listing and Read a Free Marriage or Family Book

2011-10-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

New! Click on my listing at Godcast1000 or Top Christian1000 and look for the free eBook offer. Each week I will make one of my eBooks available to read free online. My books are for sale at Amazon, Scribd, and CafePress - but to show my appreciation for Christian Podcast visitors, I am making one free every week. Topics include marriage, family communication, and coping with stress.

In addition to pastoral counseling, Pastor Roland Trujillo PhD saw a need to answer Bible questions and quick questions for educational purposes. This is a free service. Now you can ask your questions via chat (texting) or email. Why talk to just anyone when you can talk to a Senior Pastor?

Did you know that Pastor Roland is now listed at Godcast1000? Check out his listing and while you are there subscribe free to his RSS feed. Never miss a special offer, an update, or Christian walk tip again.

Talk to a Pastor Online free is at Godcast1000 Click here to see his listing.

Subscribe to the RSS feed and catch all of Pastor Roland's latest blogs in your favorite podcatcher. Bible verses, Bible commentary, sermons, essays about society and hints for successfully walking the Christian walk, along with useful stress reducing tips. Don't miss anything. Check it out today

I Resent My Husband - Pastor Published Free Articles and One Dollar Marriage Repair Booki

2011-10-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

"This is serious business, says Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD who has been counseling people and helping them deal with unforgiveness and stress for over 20 years. Resentment may seem like a little thing, but it is not. Resentment can ruin your relationship and it can ruin your health. It can also ruin your life.

That's why I have placed 27 of my most popular articles online free (look for the Ezine articles Badge in the right sidebar) and have reduced my first relationship repair eBook to one dollar. I need to get the word out about resentment and how to overcome it.

The wife who admits she resents her husband and is looking for answers is taking an important step. My work on the correlation between stress, resentment and emotional unhappiness has made me the go to person when it comes to this issue."

The following are excerpts from one of my most popular articles "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce" and which is also a chapter in my new book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
.
I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
.
We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
.
What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
.
And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the our partner. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another person makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

.
Another thing--resentment ushers in a cascade of emotions, like anger, frustration, unhappiness, and bitterness. It can also lead to suppression and repression, guilt, and feeling trapped. Then there are the physical symptoms that are contributed to by resentment.

Bottom line: a lot of times when we don't like ourselves--it is actually resentment that is the initiating factor. Sooooooo, if you could just let go of the resentment . . . .

.
If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions.

"A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
-- Ruth Bell Graham
.

People often say it is hard to let go of resentment. l can show you how to let go of resentment. I even have a little free meditation that helps you calm down and get started.
.

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at Amazon.com
The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights,
the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in simple pdf. to read on your Adobe reader as a token of our appreciation.

Pastor Roland is There for You 24 Hours a Day

2011-09-23T18:55:00.001-07:00

"The guy is amazing. He never gives up. He has a heart for people, especially people on the internet. He is one man whirlwind. You've heard of Playboy After Dark, now this guy has started Christian After Dark for people up at night who need some help with stress, anxiety and worries."
MIke - somewhere in California

"I'm an internet person and I love people on the internet, says Pastor Roland.

Many churches have a webpage. Some even have "volunteers" to answer emails. Finally a Senior Pastor devotes himself to the worldwide web and internet people.

Pastor Roland also knows that many people are up all night and some of them surf the internet. They are looking for answers. They want someone who is there for them - really there for them - not just a faceless webpage or someone at a phone bank.

Now you can visit Pastor Roland at Talk to a Pastor Online and if you are up at night, visit him at Christian After Dark.

Conquer worries, doubts and fears. If you are pacing the floor all night, if you toss and turn, if money and work problems have you tense and worried at night - Pastor Roland has a new website devoted exclusively for night people.

Some people are up at night to work, others because they are studying, and others because they like the night. But some people can't sleep because of worries, doubts, and fear.

Pastor Roland has been helping people with insights and his meditation for over 20 years. He wants to make sure that night people find out about his meditation, and free self help resources for dealing with worries, doubts, and fears.

New! If you are a Christian Night Owl, visit Pastor Roland's new 24 hour Christian After Dark website.

Looking for a Christian Marriage Seminar? Why Not Save Some Money and Get Pastor Roland's Marriage Book Instead

2011-08-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

Another thing, says Roland. Many people know they are resentful and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.

Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilty that makes you keep quite or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).

What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.

It is not for everyone though. Some people just want to hang onto resentment and judgment. And as long as they are unwilling to give them up, they are not ready for understanding. But when they are ready, my teachings are a God sent.

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at our Amazon.com eStore.

The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages of insights and solutions

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview and purchase at Kindle! and download to your kindle or mobile device for $9.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of $5.00 we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

Save 66% from paperback price

Visit my relationships blog for more relationship and marriage repair articles

Talk To a Pastor Online: Visit Pastor Roland's Blog for Free Chat with a ...

2011-08-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Visit Pastor Roland's Blog for Free Chat with a ...: "One of my favorite verses: 'This is the day which the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. ' Hi, this is Pastor Roland. I lov..."

Should We Wait Until we are Married - Senior Pastor's new Book is about Courtship and Marriage

2011-07-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Product Description

Why do couples argue? How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage? How can we communicate better? I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not. What is the difference between courtship and casual dating? My wife asked me to leave. Why are men the way we are? What does my wife want? Can we reconcile? How about sex? My wife cheated on me –now what? Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio, this is the courtship, marriage and relationship repair handbook you have been waiting for. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer, marriage coach, author, radio host, husband and dad, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.
Product Details

Paperback: 318 pages
ISBN-10: 1463663706
ISBN-13: 978-1463663704

Buy in quality paperback at Amazon.com for $14.95

Get the eBook to download to your computer or mobile device to start getting asnwers right away.

Now at Amazon - Christian Relationships and Marriage Book - Tips and Solutions from a Senior Pastor

2011-07-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

Why Do Christian Couples Argue? Senior Pastor Answers This Question and More in New Book - Preview Free

2011-06-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

There's nothing unusual about couples arguing. It's as old as the hills. I'm sure Eve resented Adam and would never let him forget how he got them kicked out of paradise and thrown out on the street.

She probably reminded him every day about his failing. And he probably did what most husbands do: he resented his wife and blamed her.
.
New! Dr. Roland Trujillo says all couples argue in recent radio interview. Read the transcript.
..
Couples are arguing from Miami to Seattle. And if you go to Taipei, Moscow, Rome, Mexico City or Sidney--you will hear the same squabbling, except in a different languages.
.
Yet all newlyweds start off looking forward to a life of happiness. They are sure that they won't make the mistakes their parents made. But lo and behold, a few months or years later, history repeats itself. She feels unloved and he feels trapped. She is unhappy about something and he can't figure out what she wants. Something is going on underneath.
.
On the surface, there is squabbling, nit picking, nagging, sniping, or long periods of silence. Then, you have the workaholic husband who thinks everything is fine, but all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, she says her needs are not being met and she wants a divorce. But underneath the surface is resentment, misunderstanding, and selfishness.

We have been misled and have lost our way. If only we had understanding.
.
Doesn't it seem odd that after 6,ooo years of human history, we still haven't figured out what's wrong? The best minds and experts have had thousands of years to work on the problem, tens of thousands of books have been written, and somehow it still eludes their grasp.

Let me ask you question. Ladies, if you saw deeply that your husband is just a man, and he inherits his nature from Adam; that all men have failed their wives; that what wives and kids need from dad is is a special fatherly agape emotionless love, but he probably hasn't found it yet. . . . If you saw, really saw, that he cannot give you what he, himself, has not yet found. . . would you still resent him? Or might you possibly have compassion?

And would you not in your heart of hearts hope that he might one day find it?

This "it" of which I speak is, of course, real love.

Were he to find it, his problem would be over and so would yours (if you loved the good for which he would stand and were willing to cooperate with the good that would now reside in him).

Now, most likely you're wanting something from him that he can't give get in the way of his finding himself, especially if you are still trying to change him.

But were he able to find a special agape love, your giving him a hard time would only awaken him to where he is failing and he would find it in himself to become the noble knight you need him to be.

And would you not in your heart of hearts hope that he might one day find this fatherly agape love?

It would be wonderful if he found it. But if you can learn to not resent him and if you can give up judgment and contempt for men and their weakness, love could spring within you. Not a love you give yourself, but the love of the Father you have never known, who forgives us and rewards us with His warmth from within when we forgive and are patient with others.

You do not have to wait on your husband to find himself. If he does, that would be nice. If he does not, you can find peace of mind and joy through forgiveness and finding love within.

This special love that most men lack can only come through them from God. But you will recall that Adam (with the enabling codependent love of his wife who he used to support his pride) doubted and disobeyed God, bringing separation from God, and death on the whole human race.

This fallen, earthy death oriented existence is what we are all born into (but there burns in our hearts the hope of redemption).

The man must find an inner connection with the Creator, whereby he can share in the life and light from God and then share it with his family.

But as long as he looks to his wife, boss, minister, work, or the accountability group for support, he won't find the support from God.

Remember how the women around Jesus loved Him? He was the first man who did not use them. He loved them as a person and not an object of use. He was the first man who did not fail them. (Men, can you see why you must not look to your wife for support and why you must find an inner rapport with God so that you can begin to fail less and less). When you love her as a person and when you learn to be more fatherly, you won't tempt her by your anger or wimpiness to resent you.
.
There now, I have teased you with a little preview. You see, your own Bible has the story of how enmity came between the sexes, how men become ambitious, with the support of their wives, and fail or outright fail and fail. You will also see how their wives resent them (and support their man's wrong), and then serve him out of guilt. Both become more and more guilty and resentful.
.
The Bible has the answer: when it comes to our spouse--forgiveness, patience, and understanding. Men must find God within and learn to be more fatherly. Women must learn to let go of judgment. We must also learn how to be industrious without being ambitious.

And there is a plan of salvation from separation from God and from the fallen existence based on emotions, compensation, pride and the enslaving love of the world.

But words alone are not enough to convey it to you. The words do not have the power to make it happen, only to awaken you to what you have still not found. You have to see the truth and understand it deeply.

You have to understand it so deeply that you see why you must not resent your husband.

And you men have to see it so deeply that you understand why you must be inwardly motivated, and not look to anyone on the outside (including your wife) to support your character. You must see so deeply why you must be principled, honorable, and never take advantage that you will never be tempted to fall for even the smallest temptation.
.
Maturing, being less selfish, and having more compassion for each other's plight, you could become very good friends instead of bringing out and supporting the worst in each other.
.
The latest thing people are trying is just living together instead of getting married. People see their parents arguing, so they reason that if they don't get married and just live together, they won't have the same problems their parents had. But of course, it doesn't work.

In fact, the studies are showing that on just about every scale: break-ups, arguing, kids having problems and so on, informal arrangements are no better.
..
You see, marriage is not the problem. Marriage is an institution ordained by God. It is a framework within which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.
Instead of blaming marriage, we need to look at human nature and how we relate to each other. . . . . . . . .

For a donation of any amount receive Roland's eBook on marriage as our gift

Pastor Roland's new book

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages.

Written by Pastor Roland and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your
God Given Instincts
10
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device.

Christian Counseling Online Pastor Publishes Marriage Handbook for Christian Couples

2011-06-15T17:28:00.001-07:00

New! Now, for a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in eBook format as a token of our appreciation. Preview now.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
author, radio host, pastor, husband and dad,
introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights,
the challenges
and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to
optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls,
and promises of relationships.

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages.

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

To read chapter one free and for information about previewing this relationship success manual, click here

Dating, Courtship, Interfaith Marriage, Intercultural Marriage, Choosing the Right Person - Advice from Online Pastoral Counselor

2011-05-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

I wish my new book were ready, but it will be ready soon. I think it will be helpful to many couples. In the meanwhile, here is a little courtship and marriage advice to men and advice to women from a Pastor and Christian counselor.

Many people ask about whether they should marry a certain person or not. With a few exceptions I can never advise on this subject. I am not standing in your shoes. Nor do I know the couple, except perhaps a brief conversation with one of them.

Of course there are times when the other person is a drug addict, a repeat criminal, is still married to someone else, or is promiscuous. In such cases the answer to the question "should I date or marry this person?" is an obvious "not a good idea."

But when it comes to two good people, all I can do is give some general principles. You will have to search your heart and pray.

Generally I advise a young lady to look for a man who has a fire in his belly for justice. A man who loves principle and is willing to stand for something. There is an unmistakable spark of fire there--character, principle, a love of what is right. It's also nice if he is already or in the process of establishing himself in a trade, profession or business.

I tell guys not to look for the perfect woman. Look for a lady who will good naturedly admit it when you point something out.

Don't misunderstand--I am not saying that a woman has to be submissive or be dominated by a man. In fact, if the man are out of order, she should speak up and point it out.
I'm just saying that some people are clever at acting meek and mild, but are resentful underneath. Not good.

Some women let him be in charge. She lets him be in charge--even though she is really the one in charge.

Look for someone who is good natured and who respects what is right more than her own ego. She will defer to her man (if he is right).

I am not in favor of causal dating. It is a terrible idea and leads to promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases and a loss of character. A man who plays the field loses his character. His future wife will know it and will probably secretly judge him for it and hold it against him.

Instead of playing the field, he should be becoming established in business.

A woman who casually dates is putting herself in situations (being alone in a car with a man, for example) that can only lead to a loss of innocence, and even danger.

I am in favor of young people doing wholesome activities in groups (like 2 or 3 guys and 2 or 3 gals going out together in a group). Bowling, skiing, church activities, picnics, bike riding, studying, going to a nice concert or a nice move and so on as a group is fun and much safer.

After lots of getting to know the person in these safe group settings, if you think this is the guy then courtship may begin.

I do believe in courtship. This means that when a man and a woman go out to lunch or to a movie, it is with the intention of definitely considering this particular person for marriage and definitely wanting to know if she or he is right. The purpose of the courtship date is to set the stage for marriage. And I also believe in waiting until marriage.

I am often asked about marrying someone from another religion or a completely different background. I am not rigid on this matter, because the person himself or herself is most important, not what cultural background or organized religion their family belonged to.

Character and what is in the person's heart are most important--such as honesty and a love of truth. Does the person love children? Is the person kind? There must be no drinking, gambling, or use of drugs (such as marijuana). Also watch out for the man who walks around on egg shells, never corrects anything, and is worshipful of her--he wants something. He is weak and lacks character.

How about someone who is just not religious at all or who doesn't know about God or even care about religion? Well, at least they are not a fanatic. It may work out. In fact I have always said I would rather have a person who is decent and has a good heart, but was raised in a home where religion was not even talked about than someone who has just memorized a bunch of things.

They simply memorize things and conform to a shallow (but usually rigid) knowledge. These people are not true Christians at all even though they say and do all the right things. They give real Christians a bad name.

Many a man marries a woman who "gets saved" and then she lords it over him with smug superiority and is always trying to change him and convert him.

A woman might marry a "religious" man who rigid and hateful underneath. He eventually reveals his cruelty and violence in laying down the law in the name of religion. Run from such types.

Don't misunderstand me. There is a true Christianity which is a seeking soul's gradually finding an inner bond with its Creator. This true Christian would never try to impose himself or herself on anyone. He or she will never manipulate or use pressure. this true Christian realizes what a delicate thing it is to introduce a person to an inner rapport with God.

Bottom line: avoid weak womanizing men. Avoid zealots of all kinds, whether religious, atheists, or political.

Of course, there is the situation where two people marry and neither really thinks much about religion at all. Time passes and gradually and gently, through searching and finding, one makes a commitment to what they know in their heart and discover that their love of truth is really a love of God. This person, in essence, wakes up from their hypnotic slumber in culture and tradition and lies, and begins to see reality (because they now love reality) and love their conscience. This waking up person now finds himself or herself wedded to someone who is not awake and aware.

There is a passage in the Bible where Paul says that if a lady becomes a follower of Christ and finds herself wedded to an unbeliever, perhaps her goodness and noble demeanor may yet awaken her spouse to truth. Perhaps he will wake up and maybe he won't. If he does not, it is hard; but it gives her a chance to practice patience.

But this is a far cry from chasing her husband around the house with a Bible, trying to convert him (which will only turn him in her zombie or drive him off to another woman or the bottle).

Since it is the man who is supposed to be the head of household, it is easier if it is he who gradually comes to his Creator first. Then his nobility, his principled nature, and gentle lordship may win the respect of his wife for himself and his God.

It is more difficult for the woman who wakes up and is married to a husband who is not awake. If she tries to convert him, he would only be falling for the temptation she represents. About all she can do is do her duty, be gracious, kind, patient and noble--and her light may wake him up. If it does, he will either hate that light and probably leave her, or he will love the light and then they can be very good friends.

Perhaps now you can see why I cannot advise from the distance about any particular person. I know in my life the people I have been drawn to and felt comfortable around are seemingly the opposite of what you would expect. There are arranged marriages that work out just fine. There are marriages that fall apart and years later, when both have matured, there is a reconciliation.

It is not my job to figure things out. Where I am most helpful is for issues in marriage. People get married, the honeymoon is over, and then issues arise. That is where Pastor Roland can come to the rescue!

But when it comes to finding the right mate, I can't play match maker. All I can do is mention some principles to consider. That's all.

Besides, it all depends on the will of God and what He might have in mind for us.

A man can get married, and like most men, be selfish and immature. He is weak and not there for his wife or kids. He makes a mess out of things and a divorce happens. But he starts to wake up. He realizes he was wrong and selfish and now is ready to be a good husband. Reconciliation is not possible and then he meets a lady and starts a second family. This time he is a good, noble, thoughtful man, but in order to build character, the Lord gives him a family that does not appreciate him and does nothing but give him a hard time. So now instead of suffering for his wrongs, he suffers for righteousness sake. It's no fun, but he learns to be a man and his character grows.

Most of us, if not all of us, get married for the wrong reasons. Once married, often seemingly to the wrong person, we have to get back to basics and learn how to be unselfish. Marriage is not a picnic. It was not meant to be. It is a framework ordained by God in which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.

When all is said and done, it is a mystery to me how people find each other and then end up married. In absolute terms it is good to marry someone who you think is the right person. It is nice to be with someone you have a lot in common with and who you feel comfortable with.

Just be aware that the nice person may not be the best for you. It is a woman's job to give a man a hard time. Her hard time is a chance for him to demonstrate patience and understanding. The more unreasonable she is, the more reasonable he must be. It can have a happy ending, but only if the man quickly matures and demonstrates the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon.

A wise man once said there can be no courage without danger. Similarly, there can be no character without a test of that character.

Marriage is not to get our needs met. It is to bring children into the world.

So I must say that for the man, it almost doesn't matter who he marries as far as character growth is concerned. It is his job to be a man and to have patience, courage, longsuffering, kindness, nobility and honor. The worse she is, the more he will suffer. But if he suffers rightly, he will grow in character and shine.

For the lady, it is good if she can find a man who is principled and honorable. Definitely she should stay away from the weak ladies man. She should also stay away from the violent type. It helps if she has a good father, because then she will look for a man like her father.

There are some practical concerns. A guy might be nice, but if he does not want kids and you do--there is not much hope in such an arrangement. If he is too close to a mother who rules him emotionally and mentally, and who views you (the wife) as a threat to her power--it will be rough sledding.

If you want the kids to be Christian and she doesn't or he doesn't or if you want to home school the kids but he does not. Again, caution.

I have put a lot on the table. Some of what I say are hard teachings. But do not do something just because I say so or anyone else says so. Hear I say and what others say, but then pray and trust your God given intuition. It is okay to read what I write, but just don't put me (or anyone else on a pedestal).

There are some really excellent values questionnnaires, programs and seminars put out by Christian organizations. And many local pastors offer couples classes for courtship and for newly weds. I'm in favor of attending and benefiting from these programs and classes. Just don't get too caught up in analyzing, over planning and endlessly second guessing yourself. Have faith. Trust what you know in your heart.

My wife and I met and had ice cream at an ice cream parlor near college and within 6 months we were married. I didn't know then what I know now. Back then I was just as starry eyed as any other young person.

But I've grown and learned a lot. Marriage is good for us. Before marriage, we can be self centered and get away with it. Marriage is a framework within which to grow and learn to be unselfish.

People get married and enjoy each other during the honeymoon and the spring of their marriage. But it isn't long before issues arise. When they do, it's time for some basic training about life, marriage and the nature of men and women. So when it is time, get married and enjoy each other.

Then when issues arise, get Pastor Roland's books for the instructions.

Blessings. Pastor Roland

Christian Counselor and Senior Pastor Reveals How to Forgive and Forget

2011-05-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

Remember Ann Landers? She was the famous advice columnist who had a daily column in hundreds of newspapers from coast to coast. People sent her troubling personal problems. She gave advice, often quite good.

I’ll never forget something she said. Near the end of her long and illustrious career, she was interviewed by someone who asked her: After all your years of giving advice, if you could give people just one piece of advice—what would it be?
(article continues below)

Being in the advice business myself, I could not wait to hear her response. She thought about it for a moment and then responded: “If I could give people just one piece of advice, it would be to be more forgiving.”

She had seen too many relationships and families destroyed by resentment, unforgiveness, and grudges. She had seen too many people destroyed by bitterness and unhappiness, the result of not forgiving another.

Her advice: Be more forgiving.

All I can say is “amen.” If a person were to set out to ruin their own life, there would be no “better” way than through harboring resentment against others.

Resentment (hatred), you see, is a big trauma for a human being. We were never meant to hate. We were created in the image and likeness of God. We are creatures of love. When we are patient with others, our Heavenly Father is patient with us. When we forgive others He forgives us.

When we do not judge and do not resent, we remain in His good graces and we enjoy His love and warmth. Just like the plant lives in the sun and gets its life from the sun, so the human soul was made to live in God’s light.When we resent another, we cut ourselves off from His love. When you resent, you can actually feel the negativity and emptiness.
___________________

How to Forgive and Forget
The short answer:
Get the meditation. Learn to stand back. Drop resentment. Read my books. Forgiving is not an ego act. It is a willingness. When you are willing to forgive (often because you see your own wrong), you will then see the resentments rise, one by one. Stand back and watch it. Don't indulge it. Let it pass. Later (that day, the next day or whenever), you will see another resentment. Stand back, watch it, let it pass. And so on. If you don't know how to stand back, get our meditation for mental distance. It is free.
This is a very important point: forgiveness does not mean having to become friends with the person who wronged you. It does not mean pretending nothing happened. You can forgive a person and never have to have anything to do with them again. Forgiving means dropping resentment. Forgiveness means dropping judgment. It's okay to see (discern) the wrong or error. Just get rid of the pinch of resentment. Where most of us have a problem is with our loved ones who we are around all the time. We have some grudge against them. Learn to stand back and observe objectively. Let go of resentment. See those around you with fresh eyes. Observe your own reactions. Be objective to all feelings. Learn to discern innocently without judgment.
_____________________

Resentment is a very big trauma. It forms a memory that sticks in your craw. Worse yet, resentment and hatred cut us off from our own good.It is true that others are cruel or mean, others are confusing and others made errors. But when we resent them, we lose patience with them. This negative energy of impatience and hostility then sustains the fallen ego that lives apart from God and experiences conflict with God.
..
We think we have a right to judge and resent. We think we can get away with resenting. But we only reap what we sow. When we exercise our right to hate another, we are doing a terrible thing.

It is unfair to the other person. It tempts them to hate us back. Being cut of from life devastates our own being.

Many of us were abused, rejected, mistreated or traumatized when we were young. Our being was devastated, and some of us have never fully recovered. We went out in the world seeking love to fill the emptiness. We used people, food, substances and distractions. But none satisfied. When they did not, we felt betrayed, resented them and then felt all the more empty.

Others of us were not really mistreated or abused and yet we too felt empty, loveless and went out into the world looking for love. There we discovered abuse. Why is it that we become so empty and feel so unloved? Why are we so needy that we grovel before others for a few crumbs of approval or settle for the most lowly and sometimes loathsome substitutes for love?

It is not what others did to us. Nor is it because of what we were denied or thought we were denied. It is because we became resentful and hateful. Resentment cuts us off from our connection to God within. Resentment cuts us off from the wellspring of good to which we have access when we are not resentful.

It was our own resentment that hurt us more than anything.We feel empty and we then blame those who did something to us. But blame only reinforces and adds another layer of resentment, keeping us apart from our Creator. Whether we blame others or turn the blame on ourselves, blame is a way of justifying our hate. All it does is keep us tied to bitter memories and cut off from the healing balm of God’s love.

Our need for human love is to fill the emptiness from not having God’s love. That is why what we call love often ends up in fighting and hurt feelings. What we call love is a substitute for the agape, emotionless love we all need.

This agape love would correct our childish need for love. True love corrects us of our need for the love from others that does not fulfill. True love sets us free from our neediness. And when we no longer need love, we can give love. And when we found the love of the Father it would immunize us from hurting or being hurt by others.

Remember what Christ said: “If you forgive others, your Heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, He will not forgive you.” Therefore, I would like you to consider watching for resentment in yourself. When you see it, stand back and let it pass. You will be glad you did. By learning to be patient with others, you will find the love from God welling up inside you.

Therefore, dear ladies, forgive your father for not being there for you; and then do not resent your husband. If he is decent, then appreciate his good qualities. If he does not have the mysterious emotionless corrective love, then simply do not resent him. You will then be able to receive the love from your Creator within.

Husbands, do not look to your wives for love. Instead of looking for love, have love for others. And if, through soul searching, yearning and seeking the wisdom you did not have, you should find an inner rapport with your Creator, you will then be able to share such love with others. It will not be your love, but the love of God coming through you.
Read more about how to forgive and regain happiness. Order the classic first edition of My Husband and I Argue All the Time: Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships in quality paperback exclusively at CafePress. Click here to go to CafePress

For a donation of any amount, get the book in eBook version as our gift

My Husband and I Argue all the Time: Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships is also available for reduced price in eBook format at Scribd Preview in eBook format at Scribd

Pastor Roland: Christian Counseling for Addictions - Can Meditati...

2011-04-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

Pastor Roland: Christian Counseling for Addictions - Can Meditati...: "'Often the hidden reason why people drink, take drugs, and become addicted is because they are running from conscience. They became angry a..."

Pastor Roland: Christian Counseling for Addictions - Can Meditati...

2011-04-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Becoming a Friend of God - Finding Peace of Mind a...

2011-04-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Becoming a Friend of God - Finding Peace of Mind a...: "This Easter weekend celebrates the most beautiful and positive victory of all time. As my free gift to you, I just published Becoming a Frie..."

Christian Counseling for Life Issues and Relationships - San Bernardino, Riverside, Los Angeles

2011-04-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

"Why talk to just anyone when you can talk to a Senior Pastor?" says Pastor Roland who has an earned MS and PhD in Pastoral Psychology.

And I make myself available to people on the internet. I've been helping people via my radio program, books, articles, and private counseling for 21 years.

I offer two tiers of service.

Top Flight: I offer professional pastoral counseling 7 days a week for personal issues and feedback via texting, Skype, phone, and email.

Second tier: free live chat Sundays and most days when I'm available for a general or a Bible question you'd like to ask. (you must be 18, no emergencies, no counseling. Just a question for a pastor). Click To Chat

We also offer an outstanding array of free audio sermons, articles, a meditation to calm down, and even some free books to read online.

"This is the finest personal pastoral service on the web today."

__________________________________

Need some advice or feedback from a pastor? Need help with a relationship issue? Do you want some help coping with stress, family/work balance issues, overcoming negative emotions, learning to forgive, dealing with doubts, or would you like an answer to a religious question?

The quickest way to get in touch with Roland right away and get some feedback now is to visit Roland's virtual office by clicking on the big LivePerson button.

Why wait, or spend gas driving across town? Talk to a someone from the convenience of your home or office. Get professional counseling that fits your budget and schedule.
Roland is the author of 11 books, with 21 years experience. Roland has an earned MS and a PhD in Pastoral Psychology. He is board certified as a professional counselor.

Incidentally, LivePerson is confidential and best yet, it is pay as you go.

Many people prefer pay as you go because it leaves you in complete control of how long the chat session is. The fee is pay as you go per minute. You are in charge of how long or short the visit is. Talk or chat as long or as little as you like. You are in control.

LivePerson also has phone consultation available

For live chat or telephone consultation, pay as you go per minute visit Roland's virtual office at LivePerson.

All you need is a credit card or Paypal. LivePerson makes it easy to get started. Within minutes you are talking or chatting to Roland on a per minute basis. The feedback has been great. People love it!

Live chat and telephone consultation is ultra confidential and anonymous.

LivePerson doe s not give your name or phone number to its professional counselors. Generally for the first consultation, half an hour to an hour is sufficient to receive feedback, explore some solutions, and how to access additional free resources to read or listen to.

* To chat (texting) pay as you go, visit Roland's virtual office at LivePerson. Follow LivePerson's simple user friendly direction and you'll be chatting within 5 minutes!

Roland is available 7 days a week for your convenience.
"I'm here to help. Whether you just need an outside opinion about a family or relationship issue, or whether you would like some feedback on a personal, private issue, I'm a good listener.

My service is fast, friendly and ultra confidential. Chat in confidence, anonymity, and speak freely. We all need another opinion and feedback sometimes. That's what I'm here for. Chat with me from the convenience of your home 7 days a week.

Many people prefer online counseling to prevent having a mental health record with insurance companies.

I have Masters Degree in Human Relations and have advanced doctoral studies in pastoral psychology. I am an ordained minister and I am a Board Certified Professional Counselor. I am the author of 11 books on solving relationship, emotional and stress issues.

I have been advising and providing confidential advice and feedback about life's problems for over 20 years.

I'm the only Senior Pastor with over 20 years experience who devotes himself full time 7 days a week to helping people on the internet

We all need help sometimes or could use a little professional feedback. Maybe you want to talk to someone but don't want them to know who you are.

Right now you just want a little guidance on some issue with no strings attached

Perhaps you would just like some feedback from the convenience of home.

Click on the big LivePerson button to find out more or talk to Roland now.

Online Christian Counselor Recommends Every Young Lady Read Mary Kassian's Book Girls Gone Wise

2011-04-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

I heard a great interview on FamilyLife Today on the radio. Dennis Rainey interviewed Mary Kassian. Her book Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild is a must read for every young lady and parents too.

The interview was riveting. She emphasized the importance of protective boundaries pre-set, so as to avoid getting into a compromising or unsafe place in the first place. She gives plenty of examples. Preview at Amazon Listen to the interview.

My Wife Asked Me to Move Out - What a Christian Counselor Says to Not Do

2011-03-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

This is an issue I hear all the time. In this article I will consider it as if it were written for a husband wondering what to do.

But first, my favorite quote on the matter:

As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me."
-- Jon BonJovi

You go, girl!
.
Generally, for spiritual reasons, I recommend that you not be the one who initiates the divorce.
.
If the other person moves out or files for divorce, it is still a free country, as the expression goes. But if you make the first move, then you have the guilt of it. Generally divorce is not a good thing, so initiating it puts a burden of guilt on you. This advice applies to both husband or wife.

There is the situation where the other person is drug addict, criminal, or abusive person. Of course, you have to protect yourself and the children. You might have to get the help of the authorities.

But in this post, I'm addressing the more typical situation where both husband and wife are decent, good people.
.

When both are good people, it is best not to divorce. It is best to work things out. But if the other side is determined to move out or divorce, let them be the first to make the fateful move. You will then know that you did not initiate it and won't have that hanging around your neck as the years go by.

Now a special word for men:

I cannot advise about any legal issues. Also, every circumstance is different, but I can speak in generalities. For spiritual, emotional, and strategic reasons it is not good for the husband to leave first.

Why is it generally not good for the husband to leave first?

In the mind of the wife, he made the first move and left her. She may have teased him and tempted him to leave first (secretly in her heart of hearts she may have hoped he would not leave her), but, after all, he did not have to leave. But he did.

When he leaves, it means that he walked out. Worse yet, in the eyes of the children, it means that father left them. Roberto Duran, though one of the greatest boxers in history, will never live down being a quitter when he said "no mas" in his fight against Sugar Ray Leonard. A dad who leaves has made a bad move. His family will never forget that he moved out on them.

The wife has the advantage now in every respect. She did not leave him. He moved out on her and left the kids.

You see, husband and father has a very special role. He holds a station in life. He holds the office of husband and if there are kids, the office of father.

In the eyes of children, father stands in for God. Can you see why it is so devastating when a father fails?

Husband and father is supposed to be like the George Washington or Moses of the family. He stands for what is right. He cannot have any vices. He must be principled, honorable, wise, patient, long suffering, and kind.
.
He has to be as steady as the ticking of a grandfather clock in a thunderstorm. If others fail him, he does not fail them. If others become upset, he remains calm and reasonable.

Most dads are a little weak. They say the right things, but say them too weakly. He must not be there to win a popularity contest. He has to stand for what is right and persist even in the face of rebellion. But he must not be angry. He must always have a twinkle in his eye.
.
Many men clam up, but are angry and resentful underneath. When they do finally speak up, their message is tainted and ruined by the pent up anger. Feeling guilty, he may clam up again or sit on the sidelines while the family goes to ruin.
.
A man simply can't avoid his duty without harming the family. That is why he must learn to stand for what is right with patience and firmness and kindness.

He has to be there for his wife and children. They need a very special love from him: emotionless agape love. A man cannot have this love if he is selfish or unprincipled. Nor can he have this love for them if he is a womanizer or tries to make his wife into his mother. He must not look for ego support from the world. He must look within and find a bond with what he knows in his heart.

He will then not need love. He will give love. He must love principle more than anything, even his wife.
.
But if you think about it for a moment, you will see that this is the man she can trust. She knows he will always be there for her and she knows he will never be unfaithful (because he does not need the love of a woman, a drug, or some worldly support). This is the man she can respect and perhaps even love.

Now, gentlemen, most wives are aware of their husband's weaknesses before they get married, but she hopes that he will become the noble knight she needs. And once within the confines of marriage, the nobly inclined man will become aware of his failing her in some mysterious way.
.
He will search his heart and out of true love for her and the children, he will see what they need from him. He will learn to be less selfish, and eventually one day, unselfish. He will begin to fail less, and one day not fail at all.

She will see his nobility, his heart felt efforts, and his love of principle. With this man, there is hope.

Of course, there are some women who will not take kindly to his new inner authority, and she will most likely resent him even when he is right. If she is a permanent hater, then she will make his life as miserable as possible. If he remains noble, she will probably go off to find someone else. If this happens, so be it.

But you cannot know what is in your wife's heart until you straighten up and fly right. Only then might your noble love draw forth the good in her.
.
Many women have been so used and unloved that they cannot imagine or believe that a man can be noble. She may test him and give him a hard time for years (or decades). If he is tested and not found wanting, he will win her heart. They will become very good friends and live happily ever after.

As I said, most men are weak (or weak and violent). Their weakness literally tempts the wife and kids to rebel. So if you have been weak or selfish, before looking at other's wrong, first look at your own. See your part in what has gone wrong and repent of it.

Many wives had a father who was not there for her. She resented him and went out in the world looking for love. What she got was use and abuse at the hands of boyfriends. Since all men failed her, she expects that he husband will too (though a good woman will hope her husband won't fail her).

Perhaps you can see why the man needs to have the wisdom of Solomon and perfect self control. All men have failed, but that is not an excuse for more failing. You must find the way to fail less.
.
I cannot say what to do in any particular circumstance. There are just too many particular situations. But I can speak in general terms.
.
Generally divorce is not a good thing. Sometimes a separation may be of some help, so that both sides can find themselves and get their bearings, but maybe not.
.
Please note that my comments are directed to the typical situation where both are good people, not perfect of course, but decent. If your spouse is extremely disturbed, violent or criminal, you will need to protect the children and get professional help and assistance from the authorities.
.
If there is a divorce, it is best not to begin the process yourself. If your wife divorces you, you will then not be guilty for having begun it.

If you have only been married for a short time, things might be worked out, but if there is not true marriage, then going your separate ways may be best.

But when there are children, everything changes. Now the man is both husband and father.

I recently heard a man tell about his father who he loved deeply. His mom was not a nice lady and she made a lot of trouble. He stayed there for the children and was a good father to them. He suffered for decades, but never hated his wife and never complained. The children loved him dearly.

You see, the children were aware of his suffering. They saw his sacrifice and nobility. And they loved him all the more. It didn't matter what mom did. Father was there for them.

But if he had walked out on her and them, what would be foremost in their minds would not be what mom did, but what he did. He would have quit on them. Thank God he did not.
.
Dear Sir,
I know that marriage can be a severe test. But just as there can be no courage without danger, so likewise there can be no character without a test of that character. A final word. Sometimes we do the right thing by simply not doing the wrong thing. Someone can tempt you to do something wrong or foolish. Just don't do it and you are safe. Always do what you know is right in your heart.

I've always told men--if you have an argument with your wife--whatever you do, don't walk out. Walking out means something to a woman. Just go sit in the living room and watch television or read a book. Let the storm blow over.

I heard the true story of a noble lady named Sister Hortense who lives in Chicago. Her husband was unfaithful and walked out. She waited 8 years (remaining chaste and pure) and never gave up hope. One day, 8 years later, there was a knock on the door. Repentant and chastened, her husband asked if they could perhaps reconcile. And they did. Sister Hortense sets a good example for us all.

Listen now Roland on the radio. A lady says her boyfriend left her for another woman. Husband says "what should I do? My wife asked me to move out.

Listen now So . . . what's wrong with living together?

Listen now Roland lectures on "what is love?"

Order the classic first edition of My Husband and I Argue All the Time: Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships in quality paperback exclusively at CafePress. Click here to go to CafePress

You definiteley should read two books without delay:
1.My Husband and I Argue all the Time: time tested truths for healing relationships

2. My Daughter Does Not want to Clean Her Room: a handbook for parents and kids

Both of these books are full of good advice for husbands and dads. You can purchase the books for only $1.95 each to read online or download to your computer or mobile device.

For a donation of any amount, get the book in eBook ver sion as our gift

Preview in eBook format at Scribd and purchase for a reduced price of only $1.95 each

You may also wish to consider getting some feedback from Pastor Roland at LivePerson. Often just 30 or 40 minutes of chat is enought to get some good feedback and mentoring.

Should Christian Parents Spank Their Kids?

2011-03-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

Should parents spank their kids? "Absolutely not," says Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, pastor, lecturer, and author of 10 books. "It is totally unnecessary." .

"Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD and Senior Pastor has written the book (now at Amazon.com) on alternatives to spanking. It is called Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole. It will actually mentor you in learning how to apply Biblical patience and wisdom in working with your kids. It is also one of the sweetest books ever written and is right up there with Miracle on 34th Street as an all time reminder of what love is all about. "

Little kids don't need discipline, they need direction and redirection. They need watching with love, kindness, and patience. Older kids need the loving presence of an involved aware parent. They need mentoring, coaching, and a parent who sets a good example. I'm going to tell you the truth. Time outs or spanking are poor substitutes for patience and wisdom.

Often after we have become resentful, our patience runs out. Then we feel frustration. If we are not yelling (or worse), we look for some way to force the child to comply. .

We might even resort to a canned, cleverly marketed Orwellian behavior modification program to sugar coat forced compliance. Then there is always the spectre of psychotropic meds.

Incidentally, I don't buy the Biblical argument for spanking. Parenting Freedom has a good article on the subject. Samuel Martin wrote an outstanding book about the subject of spanking and Biblical references.

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in both quality paperback and in Kindle.

Now at Barnes and Noble Nookbook. In color!

My Wife Has Been Unfaithful - She Cheated on Me - Now What?

2011-03-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

I am very sorry to hear this. It is much more common nowadays than before. Many, if not most, women are now in the workforce. There are a lot of temptations out there.

Also many people have a different view of marriage today than people did years ago. Today we have been shown on television, movies, and in music, and we have even been taught and counseled that marriage is about having our needs met.

Actually, marriage is a framework for raising a family and in which to learn how not to be selfish.

I've written some articles and posts about the issue of unfaithful husbands. So I guess it's time to talk to men about the issue of unfaithful wives.

.
So here's my response. First the short answer.

If you just found out, stay calm. Do not do anything rash. Go about your business, do your duty, go to work, be there for your kids. You've heard the old expression "stand back and count to ten." Well, stand back and maybe let a few weeks go by. As time passes the initial anger will diminish. Watch out for resentment. Let reason rule.

It takes a real man to stay the course and respond with calm reason instead of anger.
There is value in being able to talk it out. Most communities have government, nonprofit, church, or volunteer organizations focusing on men's issues, marriage or anger management. Avail yourself of any that are helpful. There are also resources available on the internet.

Long term you don't want to become dependent on external support, but right now reading, talking it out, and getting good feedback from someone knowledgeable with understanding are very helpful.

If it happened a few months or years ago, and it is still sticking in your craw, it means that you are still resentful. Watch out for resentment. Stand back and when you see it rising, observe it from the neutral zone and let it pass.

Now the longer answer.

The advice I have given to women in this circumstance (where a spouse has been unfaithful) is just as fitting for men. Basically, the woman has to deal with resentment and judgment. If she can let go of these, then she will be spiritually and emotionally safe. It is resentment that hurts us more than what the other person did to us.

Resentment ruins everything. But if you can let go of the resentment, you will be okay. Moreover, when the mind is clear and not clouded with resentment and bitterness, you will be able to see what is reasonable and wise to do. Remember, resentment robs us of joy and many other things.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of letting go of resentment.

In circumstances of an unfaithful spouse, the woman's main spiritual issues are letting go of resentment and judgment

The man faces a much bigger challenge because of what husband and father represent.

You see, husband and father has a very special role. He holds a station in life. He holds the office of husband and if there are kids, the office of father.

In the eyes of children, father stands in for God. Can you see why it is so devastating when a father fails?

Husband and father is supposed to be like the George Washington or Moses of the family. He stands for what is right. He cannot have any vices. He must be principled, honorable, wise, patient, long suffering, and kind.

He has to be as steady as the ticking of a grandfather clock in a thunderstorm. If others fail him, he does not fail them. If others become upset, he remains calm and reasonable.

Most dads are a little weak. They say the right things, but say them too weakly. He must not be there to win a popularity contest. He has to stand for what is right and persist even in the face of rebellion. But he must not be angry. He must always have a twinkle in his eye.

Many men clam up, but are angry and resentful underneath. When they do finally speak up, their message is tainted and ruined by the pent up anger. Feeling guilty, he may clam up again or sit on the sidelines while the family goes to ruin.

A man simply can't avoid his duty without harming the family. That is why he must learn to stand for what is right with patience and firmness and kindness.

He has to be there for his wife and children. They need a very special love from him: emotionless agape love. A man cannot have this love if he is selfish or unprincipled. Nor can he have this love for them if he is a womanizer or tries to make his wife into his mother. He must not look for ego support from the world. He must look within and find a bond with what he knows in his heart.

He will then not need love. He will give love. He must love principle more than anything, even his wife.

But if you think about it for a moment, you will see that this is the man she can trust. She knows he will always be there for her and she knows he will never be unfaithful (because he does not need the love of a woman, a drug, or some worldly support). This is the man she can respect and perhaps even love.

Now, gentlemen, most wives are aware of their husband's weaknesses before they get married, but she hopes that he will become the noble knight she needs. And once within the confines of marriage, the nobly inclined man will become aware of his failing her in some mysterious way.

He will search his heart and out of true love for her and the children, he will see what they need from him. He will learn to be less selfish, and eventually one day, unselfish. He will begin to fail less, and one day not fail at all.

She will see his nobility, his heart felt efforts, and his love of principle. With this man, there is hope.

Of course, there are some women who will not take kindly to his new inner authority, and she will most likely resent him even when he is right. If she is a permanent hater, then she will make his life as miserable as possible. If he remains noble, she will probably go off to find someone else. If this happens, so be it.

But you cannot know what is in your wife's heart until you straighten up and fly right. Only then might your noble love draw forth the good in her.

Many women have been so used and unloved that they cannot imagine or believe that a man can be noble. She may test him and give him a hard time for years (or decades). If he is tested and not found wanting, he will win her heart. They will become very good friends and live happily ever after.

As I said, most men are weak (or weak and violent). Their weakness literally tempts the wife and kids to rebel. So if you have been weak or selfish, before looking at other's wrong, first look at your own. See your part in what has gone wrong and repent of it.

Many wives had a father who was not there for her. She resented him and went out in the world looking for love. What she got was use and abuse at the hands of boyfriends. Since all men failed her, she expects that he husband will too (though a good woman will hope her husband won't fail her).

Perhaps you can see why the man needs to have the wisdom of Solomon and perfect self control. All men have failed, but that is not an excuse for more failing. You must find the way to fail less.

I cannot say what to do in any particular circumstance. There are just too many particular situations. But I can speak in general terms.

Generally divorce is not a good thing. Sometimes a separation may be of some help, so that both sides can find themselves and get their bearings, but maybe not.

Please note that my comments are directed to the typical situation where both are good people, not perfect of course, but decent. If your spouse is extremely disturbed, violent or criminal, you will need to protect the children and get professional help and assistance from the authorities.

If there is a divorce, it is best not to begin the process yourself. If your wife divorces you, you will then not be guilty for having begun it.

If you have only been married for a short time, things might be worked out, but if there is not true marriage, then going your separate ways may be best.

But when there are children, everything changes. Now the man is both husband and father.

I recently heard a man tell about his father who he loved deeply. His mom was not a nice lady and she made a lot of trouble. He stayed there for the children and was a good father to them. He suffered for decades, but never hated his wife and never complained. The children loved him dearly.

You see, the children were aware of his suffering. They saw his sacrifice and nobility. And they loved him all the more. It didn't matter what mom did. Father was there for them.

But if he had walked out on her and them, what would be foremost in their minds would not be what mom did, but what he did. He quit on them.

Dear Sir,

I know that infidelity is a severe test. But just as there can be no courage without danger, so likewise there can be no character without a test of that character. A final word. Sometimes we do the right thing by simply not doing the wrong thing. Someone can tempt you to do something wrong or foolish. Just don't do it and you are safe. Always do what you know is right in your heart.

I heard the true story of a noble lady named Sister Hortense who lives in Chicago. Her husband was unfaithful and walked out. She waited 8 years (remaining chaste and pure) and never gave up hope. One day, 8 years later, there was a knock on the door. Repentant and chastened, her husband asked if they could perhaps reconcile. And they did. Sister Hortense sets a good example for us all.

More about a husband's role in Roland's book about relationships

Roland talks to dads in his book on parenting.

For a donation of any amount, receive Roland's eBook free as a token of our appreciation. Find out more.

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at our Amazon.com eStore.

The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages of insights and solutions

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Roland is making his new book available in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device.

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

.

Sex and Marriage - Finally Someone Is Telling the Truth

2011-03-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

"The truth is that sex is not that important. Way too much is made of it--to the point that we have the notion that sex has to have Fourth of July fireworks all the time until age 90.

This misconception has led to more unhappiness, resentment, impotency, divorce and infidelity than you can imagine," says pastor, author, and PhD, Roland Trujillo.

The popular but erroneous concept that marriage is to get our needs met, when combined with an incessant focus on sex, has done a lot of harm. How?

Because otherwise reasonably happy couples--with a nice lifestyle, good kids, and a tranquil home--start to become convinced by urban myths, media hype, pop psychology, catty girlfriends, and even misguided Christian advisors that their marriage must be unfulfilling because bells and whistles are not going off 5 nights a week.

You end up with men with wandering eyes wondering if the grass would be greener or struggling with some erectile dysfunction drug, women reading romance novels and dreaming of someone else who is more romantic, or always trying harder to please and feeling inadequate--and partners who are just perpetually vaguely dissatisfied.

All of which can lead to unhappiness, extramarital affairs, broken homes, divorces, financial ruin, and the kids being hurt. Five years later after a breakup, one or both partners are still unhappy or more unhappy, and looking back and realizing they had it all and threw it all away.

Just who are these strangers who talk so pompously and cavalierly on camera, in the advertisements, in books or in front of the seminar--who egg us on from stage left to be dissatisfied and demand more and more pleasure?

And just where did the notion that marriage is for getting our needs met come from?

One thing is sure, confusion abounds because of misdirection, wrong ideas, and misguided advice.

So let's state a couple of things that you are not likely to hear, except from a good grandma or great grandma.

First of all, the purpose of sex is not pleasure. It is for starting and building a family. Children are a blessing from God, and it is for the procreation of children that we are given sex by our Creator.

Of course, He attached pleasure to it. I am not a prude. I understand that it can be fun and pleasurable. God is the one who designed it. It was His idea.

It has its place, like any other pleasure. For example, we also derive pleasure from eating. But as the old saying goes, keep in mind that we should "eat to live, not live to eat."

A couple meets, has a courtship (and it should be a chaste one), and get married. Then they have the pleasure of the marriage bed. It is good that they enjoy each other, and before you know it, kids come along.

But after the first few years of marriage, and with a family established, other things become more important, such as parenting, working, growing and maturing, and making some contribution to the good of society.

In fact, marriage is a framework within which work out our differences and to learn to be unselfish.

There comes a time when sex is just not that important. A husband and wife can become very good friends, share many wonderful times being together, like walking along the beach, enjoying the kids and then grand kids, and working and helping others. They can enjoy holding hands and laying side by side and having warmth and coziness. But it does not always have to end in you know what.

It is not true that women need sex. And though men tend to be more sexually oriented than women, men eventually don't need it either.

In fact, men should become more fatherly as the years go by. Less beastly, less juvenile, more noble. Less selfish, more understanding and respectful of her needs.

A couple can be perfectly happy and perfectly fulfilled without sex. Or with less sex (but enjoying it more because it is with love, tenderness and understanding).

I understand that a sexless marriage can result from one or both being resentful. It can also result from one or both placing too much emphasis on performance, which can make a man feel nervous or inadequate. Or even impotent.

It can happen when one side is withholding affection--again because of resentment.

In such cases, the situation can often be solved by simply realizing that resentment is the blocking factor, and letting go of the resentment.

There are also situations where a wife has been abused by other men in the past and develops an aversion to sex or her husband, because it reminds her of what happened before. The husband. realizing that this is the case, must patient and thoughtful. There is a good chance that his decency, gentleness, and thoughtfulness will help her to see that he is not like those other men.

I am very aware of the above complications and exceptions, but I will not deal with them in this article. Instead, I want to keep it simple.

First of all, people tend to think that either sex or money are the reason for unhappiness in marriage, but I can tell you that it is more likely to be a symptom of resentment and anger, and the subsequent cascade of negative emotions, notions, and actions that ensue.

Secondly, if a husband and wife love each other and grow in affection and friendship, then after the children have come along, sex becomes less and less important, and not important at all. It can be an occasional expression of mutual affection and closeness. But so is walking hand in hand, sitting side by side on the sofa in front of the fire, enjoying family gatherings, and sharing memories and new wonderful things to do.

I recently heard a very nice man and a famous Christian author talk about his experience with depression. At one point he said that he was seeking to find more of those happy moments in life when you are not guilty and nothing is required. This is a wonderful insight.

Remember those carefree moments of childhood or youth, when you could just be yourself? When you were not guilty (or being made to feel guilty) and nothing was required of you?

Therefore, dear married partners, I hereby give you permission to relax and not make too big a deal of sex. Live life intuitively and spontaneously, not according what some stranger says you should be doing.

Enjoy each other and don't try to make anything happen. Incidentally, I know of several people who were trying to have a child with no success. No sooner did they adopt one and stop trying too hard, then--voila--soon there were two!

Enjoy the delights of the honeymoon and the morning of your marriage. Grow older gracefully and become very good friends.

This is part of Roland's soon to be published book. For more of his insightful articles and to preview his classic book My Husband and I Argue All the Time--Time tested truths for healing relationships, visit his relationships blog.

Visit the relationships blog now

Christian Counseling for Men Online

2011-02-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

The truth is that sometimes we feel more comfortable with one person than another. And when it comes to counseling, many men would rather talk about their issues with another man.

The problem is that too much of what passes for counseling among men is really more like support, bonding, or guy talk.

If you need help with your golf swing, your buds or the guys in the club house will be fun to talk to. They may be supportive and understanding. But what you need is a first rate swing coach.

So when it comes to counseling, it's easy to find a sympathetic ear or support. But what you need is counseling that is more like coaching. In other words, someone who know what they are talking about, can give you some really good tips and send you on your way so you can start practicing doing the right thing the right way.

So let's say that you recognize that you need some help--with relationship issues, home/work balance, anger management, or whatever. What you are hoping for is a really good coach or mentor. Someone who has been there, done that. Someone who is like a senior manager who can mentor you, offer some practical common sense advice, and then be there occasionally, if you need a little more feedback.

Perhaps most importantly, you want to hear it from an authority you can respect. Like a father, grandfather or successful senior mentor. You also don't want them to undermine your authority. It would also be nice if you could work one on one with the person--someone who wants to help you instead of seeing you as the problem. You would also like it to be one on one, not two or three against one.

"Why talk to just anyone when you can talk to a Senior Pastor?" says Pastor Roland who has an earned MS and PhD in Pastoral Psychology.

And I make myself available to people on the internet. I've been helping people via my radio program, books, articles, and private counseling for 21 years.

I offer two tiers of service.

Top Flight: I offer professional pastoral counseling 7 days a week for personal issues and feedback via texting, Skype, phone, and email.

Second tier: free live chat Sundays and most days when I'm available for a general or a Bible question you'd like to ask. (you must be 18, no emergencies, no counseling. Just a question for a pastor). Click To Chat

We also offer an outstanding array of free audio sermons, articles, a meditation to calm down, and even some free books to read online.

"This is the finest personal pastoral service on the web today."

__________________________________

Live chat and telephone consultation is ultra confidential and anonymous.

LivePerson doe s not give your name or phone number to its professional counselors. Generally for the first consultation, half an hour to an hour is sufficient to receive feedback, explore some solutions, and how to access additional free resources to read or listen to.

* To chat (texting) pay as you go, visit Roland's virtual office at LivePerson. Follow LivePerson's simple user friendly direction and you'll be chatting within 5 minutes!

Roland is available 7 days a week for your convenience.
"I'm here to help. Whether you just need an outside opinion about a family or relationship issue, or whether you would like some feedback on a personal, private issue, I'm a good listener.

My service is fast, friendly and ultra confidential. Chat in confidence, anonymity, and speak freely. We all need another opinion and feedback sometimes. That's what I'm here for. Chat with me from the convenience of your home 7 days a week.

Many people prefer online counseling to prevent having a mental health record with insurance companies.

I have Masters Degree in Human Relations and have advanced doctoral studies in pastoral psychology. I am an ordained minister and I am a Board Certified Professional Counselor. I am the author of 11 books on solving relationship, emotional and stress issues.

I have been advising and providing confidential advice and feedback about life's problems for over 20 years.

I'm the only Senior Pastor with over 20 years experience who devotes himself full time 7 days a week to helping people on the internet

We all need help sometimes or could use a little professional feedback. Maybe you want to talk to someone but don't want them to know who you are.

Right now you just want a little guidance on some issue with no strings attached

Perhaps you would just like some feedback from the convenience of home.

Click on the big blue LivePerson button to find out more or talk to Roland now.

A Great Morning Prayer

2011-01-30T18:08:00.000-08:00

Father, we thank Thee for the night

And for the pleasant morning light

For reset and food and loving care

And all that makes the day so fair.

Help us to do the things we should

To others to be kind and good

In all we do and all we say

To grow more living every day.

Amen

I read this somewhere, and it has become my prayer every morning. Please email me if you know who wrote it.

Online Pastor and Author of Marriage Book Adds Live Customer Service to Website

2011-01-29T13:23:00.000-08:00

Need some help dealing with relationship issues, coping with stress, overcoming negative emotions, calming down, or gaining self control?

Thinking about getting some feedback or advice online but still have some questions or concerns?

Roland has added chat with customer support. Available during regular business hours, a customer support volunteer will answer your questions about consultation with pastor, ordering books, and hours. Go to our Healing Relationships site and look for the customer support button in the right sidebar.

Christian Marriage Advice from an Online Pastor

2010-12-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

"Why talk to just anyone when you can talk to a Senior Pastor?" says Pastor Roland who has an earned MS and PhD in Pastoral Psychology.

And I make myself available to people on the internet. I've been helping people via my radio program, books, articles, and private counseling for 21 years.

I offer two tiers of service.

Top Flight: I offer professional pastoral counseling 7 days a week for personal issues and feedback via texting, Skype, phone, and email.

Second tier: free live chat Sundays and most days when I'm available for a general or a Bible question you'd like to ask. (you must be 18, no emergencies, no counseling. Just a question for a pastor). Click To Chat

We also offer an outstanding array of free audio sermons, articles, a meditation to calm down, and even some free books to read online.

"This is the finest personal pastoral service on the web today."

__________________________________

Live chat and telephone consultation is ultra confidential and anonymous.

LivePerson doe s not give your name or phone number to its professional counselors. Generally for the first consultation, half an hour to an hour is sufficient to receive feedback, explore some solutions, and how to access additional free resources to read or listen to.

* To chat (texting) pay as you go, visit Roland's virtual office at LivePerson. Follow LivePerson's simple user friendly direction and you'll be chatting within 5 minutes!

Roland is available 7 days a week for your convenience.
"I'm here to help. Whether you just need an outside opinion about a family or relationship issue, or whether you would like some feedback on a personal, private issue, I'm a good listener.

My service is fast, friendly and ultra confidential. Chat in confidence, anonymity, and speak freely. We all need another opinion and feedback sometimes. That's what I'm here for. Chat with me from the convenience of your home 7 days a week.

Many people prefer online counseling to prevent having a mental health record with insurance companies.

I have Masters Degree in Human Relations and have advanced doctoral studies in pastoral psychology. I am an ordained minister and I am a Board Certified Professional Counselor. I am the author of 11 books on solving relationship, emotional and stress issues.

I have been advising and providing confidential advice and feedback about life's problems for over 20 years.

I'm the only Senior Pastor with over 20 years experience who devotes himself full time 7 days a week to helping people on the internet

We all need help sometimes or could use a little professional feedback. Maybe you want to talk to someone but don't want them to know who you are.

Right now you just want a little guidance on some issue with no strings attached

Perhaps you would just like some feedback from the convenience of home.

Click on the big blue LivePerson button to find out more or talk to Roland now.

I Am Unhappy in My Marriage

2010-12-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

The following are excerpts from my popular article What is the Number One Cause of Divorce. It is also a chapter in my new book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage. I include it here because before you can objectively look at unhappiness in marriage, it is wise to first look at resentment. Resentment robs you of objectivity. Resentment makes you negative and feel empty. First look at the resentment, and we have resources 9including my new book, as well as the Christian meditation) that can help you deal with resentment when you discover it.

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
.
I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
.
We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
.
What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
.
And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the other person. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions. . . . . . .Read the whole article

.

Online Talk to a Pastor Site Offers Educational Resources and Low or No Cost Talk or Email

2010-11-27T12:26:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA November 27, 2010 (For Immediate Release). Pastor announces new online talk to a pastor site. He states: "I see a need for an online way of contacting a pastor. This Talk to a Pastor site lets you email the pastor, or even talk to him from the comfort of your home without having to travel across town. "

"It's very user friendly and convenient. Since I use LivePerson, a community of online helpers, you don't even have to reveal who you are. I don't know who you are but I can answer your sincere question. So it's a win win situation. "

Dr. Roland Trujillo, an ordained nondenominational minister, is excited about the new service, but says its success will depend on whether people respond or not. Many people have been turned off to religion because they have been pressured to join something or adopt some doctrine. Others have sincere questions, but want to remain anonymous and don't want to get involved with some group.

"I think my service may be helpful, because you don't have to join and you can remain anonymous to me."

When asked how it works, Dr. Trujillo said, "I am using LivePerson, a community of online helpers. LivePerson provides the email, chat and telephone service, and serves as a neutral provider. This means that I don't have to deal with logistics. All I have to do is receive an email from someone anonymously through LivePerson, and then I respond to it."

"LivePerson does charge something for their service, but I have set the charge as low as I possible can," says Dr. Trujillo. "Fortunately, LivePerson gives me some latitude as far as what the charge is. For example, I made it a suggested amount of $5 to receive a detailed email response from me. When a person has a question, they go to LivePerson and ask the question. They also can say what they can afford. They don't have to pay anything to ask the question.

If it is a question I can answer, I propose an amount and send the answer. Only if they agree to get the answer, will they pay the small charge."

"The best part is that I have the freedom to make the charge small or even zero if they honestly can't afford anything."

When asked what the biggest obstacle to overcome, Dr. Trujillo says "there are two. First is weeding out the frivolous or practical joke questions. That's why I use LivePerson, which does the screening."

"The second issue has to do with the charge. Some people immediately judge me because of the small charge (which I often make little or zero). They transfer their resentment toward some authority (with whom they have had bad experiences) to me. "

Dr. Trujillo says: "They forget that almost all ministers have a church from which they get a salary. Priests get free food and housing. Even missionaries get support from the home church or get food items from people they help. Since I have no church and don't belong to an organization, I get nothing."

I don't begrudge ministers getting a livable wage. A doctor helps people in pain and he gets paid. A dentist helps people and he or she gets paid. The laborer is worthy of his hire, St. Paul said.

All I'm saying is that if they judge me, they are judging me without a cause, since I get nothing and give almost everything away (and will answer a question for free if the person honestly cannot afford anything)."

When asked whether he has any other resources available, Dr. Trujillo says: "Yes, maybe this is the best part. Through the portal of Talk to a Pastor, the visitor can access dozens of free audio sermons, scores of blogposts and articles, a free meditation, and even some of my books to read free online."

Dr. Trujillo says he is realistic and will wait and see how it goes. But "at least I'm trying he says."
.
Talk to a Pastor Online can be accessed at http//talktoapastoronline.blogspot.com.

How to Save Your Marriage

2010-11-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

The following is a transcription of a radio interview of Dr. Roland Trujillo by Mike Simon recorded this year.

Mike: Welcome to the program. Today we have a real treat. My guest in the studio is Dr. Roland Trujillo and we're going to talk about fighting in relationships. First of all, welcome Dr. Trujillo, what shall I call you?

A. Thanks for inviting me. Just call me Roland, please.

Q. Okay, Roland. I'd like to give the listening audience a little biographical information first. If I get something wrong, please correct me.

A. Sure.

Q. It says here that you have a Masters Degree in Human Relations and a PhD in Pastoral Psychology. It also says here that you are board certified by the American Board of Professional Counselors and are a member of the American Psychotherapy Association. Is that right.

A. Yes. But what I have to say is based on observation and intuition. And I always ask people to run what I have to say by their common sense. I don't want people to be wowed or awed by the degrees.

Q. We have a very intelligent audience, so get ready for some tough questions.

A. I look forward to it.

Q. I want to get right to the important stuff so I'll just say that you have had a radio advice program for 20 years, taught graduate and undergraduate courses for 18 years, have written 8 books and have three blogs dedicated to relationships.

A. I've been busy haven't I?

Q. (laughter) Indeed. And finally, are you married and do you have kids?

A. Yes, we will soon celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary, and our son is in college.

Q. Great. Okay, here goes. What percentage of couples argue?

A. 100 percent. Let me explain. Somewhere along the line every couple argues. But I have to add a couple of comments.

Mike. 100 percent?

Roland: That's right. But there are a couple of qualifications. First, I have to rule out the marriage on paper only--you know, the so called marriages of convenience like the Hollywood stars used to do for publicity purposes.

Secondly, I have to say that in about half the marriages, one side wimps out and then keeps quiet for peace (so the kids don't see arguing for example).

But I like to talk about the rule rather than the exception. Most relationships have lots of fighting interspersed with periods of calm. In fact, the average marriage begins with bliss, then vying for power in a game of ego one upsmanship, then when the halo effect wears off and the couple settles down to reality, there are good times and bad times, with arguments and making up.

Some marriages eventually settle down into a modus vivendi where one side tends to give in most of the time, and on the surface everything looks fine but there are resentments and unfinished business underneath.

Mike: Wow. You just described my parents marriage. Dad was kind of quiet. He let Mom be pretty much in charge. He didn't say much. Mom complained about Dad quite a bit. Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage. But I have to say that Mom told us kids that she was unhappy.

Roland: Well, there you go. So what I am trying to do is help people like your mom and dad. In other words, basically good people. Since they are both good people, it is a shame that they should be secretly unhappy. I want them to be happy and stay married. Married happily ever after is what I would like to see and I think it is possible.

Mike: Roland, I have to tell you that I'm married. My wife is wonderful and we've been married 6 years. I do find myself clamming up quite a bit.

Roland: Do you have kids?

Mike: Yes. We have a 4 year old and a 6 year old.

Roland: And you don't want the kids to see you fighting, so you tend to give in for peace?

Mike: That's right.

Roland: Now you know what your Dad felt like! But for every dad that clams up for peace there are moms who do the same thing. And can you see that if you are, pardon me I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just saying this because it might help some of your listeners. . . .

Mike: Sure.

Roland: . . . if you become wimpy by failing to speak up, you give her the power and she becomes in charge. When things go wrong, you can secretly blame her. But can you see how by saddling her with the responsibility and failing to be strong in a fatherly sort of way--she is tempted to resent you and have contempt for your wimpiness?

Mike: Wow.

Roland: Then in your weakness, you eventually become just like your dad and she will be unhappy just like your mom!

Mike: I think it's time for a break! (laughter) When we get back I will open the lines for callers.
We've got about a minute before the break. Is there anything you would like to add?

Roland: Yes, Mike. I have to say that my biggest disappointment has been the way most visitors to my blog just show up for about 15 seconds and then leave.

Mike: Why is that?

Answer: It's because that's the average time that people stay at one place before they click on something else. But here I am with all these resources and help, and they miss it.

Mike: If there were one thing that you would like them to know before they leave, what is it?

A. That resentment underlies 99% of the negative emotions in a relationship. That's why I make people aware of the underlying dynamics, so that they can see, really see what is going on. They will then be able to have some compassion for their partner and for themselves. They will also see that we are all in the same boat, and understanding will help them forgive their parents too.

Mike: Thanks, Roland

Read more about marriage and find out more about Roland's book.

.

Santa and Mrs. Claus Marriage Mentors

2010-09-25T08:29:00.000-07:00

The story behind the picture of Mr. and Mrs. Claus is as follows. The Clauses would not allow me to take any photos. Originally our plan was to have a glass of milk and a plate of cookies or perhaps a candy cane on the cover.

But one evening around 11:30, as I came down the dark stairs to go to the kitchen for a snack, I saw Santa and Mrs. Claus sitting on the sofa in front of the fire. Mrs. Claus was leaning her head on Santa’s shoulder. They were happily looking at old photos one by one.

The next morning Mrs. Claus showed me an old postcard they had rediscovered the night before. “We are very fond of it.” she said. “In fact, we would like you to use it on the book cover. I like it because it brings back special memories of that time in our lives. Santa likes it because he didn’t have to wear glasses back then!”

Perhaps you can guess why I'm sharing this book on parenting here in the Christian Marriage blog. This is a magical book in many ways. Santa and Mrs. Claus teach by example. Their love, devotion, patience and kindness are not talked about about directly. But Santa and Mr.s Claus walk the walk.

And yes, Mr. and Mrs. Claus are Christian, but they are very humble and low key. They don't make a big deal over it. Instead they love each other and devote themselves to their work and their love for children.

Whether you have kids or not, whether your a parent, a new parent, a parent to be, a fiancee, or a grandma or grandpa, you will love this book. And don't be surprised if it awakens a little extra love in your heart.

Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole

Now at Amazon

What does Santa have to say about discipline, time outs, homework and chores?
.
Santa Claus has finally spoken on the subject of parenting. Who is better suited to give advice than the one who has brought joy and delight to children for as long as anyone can remember?
....
In this fictional account, Santa commissioned author and lecturer Roland Trujillo to publish this book after granting an interview with him at the North Pole.
.
What are "time outs Santa Style?"
.
How does Santa handle discipline and communication issues?
.
What's on Santa's do's and don'ts list?

Click Here To Look Inside!
Lo.
What is Santa's secret to making chores fun and easy?
.
What does Santa say to parents about getting off to a good start?
.
You'll find the answers to these questions and more in this book, destined to become a classic. Roland's new book is a Santa story for grownups with many teachable moments.
.
Your kids will listen when you say "Santa says."
.
Order the beautiful quality paperback version at Amazon.com as a gift for someone you love.

.
About the Author
.
Roland Trujillo, author and educator, introduces his new book about successful parenting. For over 20 years, Roland has been counseling and coaching parents and caregivers in building loving family relationships. Roland founded the Center for Common Sense Counseling in 1990 and hosts a popular AM radio program. His new book is for parents, grandparents, kindred/foster care providers and anyone who loves children.
. O

Order the eBook version and save 23%

Why Christian Couples Argue

2010-02-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither are healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

Another things, says Roland. Many people know they are resentment and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.

Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilty that makes you keep quite or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).

What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.

It is not for everyone though. Some people just want to hang onto resentment and judgment. And as long as they are unwilling to give them up, they are not ready for understanding. But when they are ready, my teachings are a God-sent

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at our Amazon.com eStore.

The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages of insights and solutions

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Roland is making his new book available in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device.

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

.

Why Do Christian Marriages Fail

2009-12-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

What is the number one reason Christian marriages fail? Some say it is because of arguing over money, some say infidelity, and some say sexual incompatibility.
.
But there are deeper reasons. One has to do with what blocks love: resentment. The other has to do with lack of understanding. If I had to pick one, I would pick resentment. . . . . . The amazing thing is that Christianity does have the answers, but we Christians fail to grasp deeply enough and live the
message of our own religion.
..
There's nothing unusual about couples arguing. It's as old as the hills. I'm sure Eve resented Adam and would never let him forget how he got them kicked out of paradise and thrown out on the street. She probably reminded him every day about his failing. And he probably did what most husbands do: he resented his wife and blamed her.
..
Couples are arguing from Miami to Seattle. And if you go to Taipei, Moscow, Rome, Mexico City or Sidney--you will hear the same squabbling, except in a different languages.
..
Yet all newlyweds start off looking forward to a life of happiness. They are sure that they won't make the mistakes their parents made. But lo and behold, a few months or years later, history repeats itself. . . . . . . . . . . . Read more

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at our Amazon.com eStore.
The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages.

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Roland is making his new book available in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device.

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

New! Now available in paperback. The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at our Amazon.com eStore.
The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now in quality paperback.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in simple pdf. to read on your Adobe reader as a token of our appreciation.

..

.

What Does the Bible Say About Marriage Relations

2009-11-27T16:08:00.000-08:00

The Bible has something to say about marriage relations. It bears witness to what you know in your heart. It gives overall overarching principles. What it says is often very obvious to anyone with common sense. It commands us to flee fornication, avoid adultery and not get (generally)divorced.

Just as important are the basic principles for dealing with our fellow human beings, such as to be kind, patient, forgiving and so on.

I will never forget what Ann Landers once said. She said that we should be a polite to our family members as we are to our colleagues and associates. Many times we are polite at work (or to strangers) but we come home and snipe, snicker, and act rude to our beloved family.
Where many Christians fail and fall is when it comes to delicate little moments: when we are dealing with our wife, husband or child. Remember where Christ said in the Bible that when you are hauled before the authorities, not to pre-plan what to say because the holy Spirit would give you the right words?

Well, how about some delicate moment when you, as a mom or dad, are dealing with your child? Wouldn't it be best to look into your heart for the right thing to say or do, rather than reach into your intellect to dreg up some memorized thing you heard somewhere?

I'm sorry to say that many parents and spouses look to the intellect for some clever thing to say rather than humbly make silent inquiry of God for guidance.

Here are some Scriptures that remind us to be patient, kind, loving and respectful.

Here Is what Paul has To say In Colossians Chapter 3:
Love and forgiveness strengthten, maintain, and heal relationships

12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;

13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

14 Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.

15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.

16 Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

17 Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Here's what Paul has to say about family relations

18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.

21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Colossians 3 (NASB)

Coping With Family Money Problems

2009-10-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems. In fact, hard times, if dealt with properly, can actually draw a family closer together in love.

Learn more about how to remain calm and loving, even though facing hard times.

Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis.
You can still be reasonably happy, healthy, loving, and cheerful in spite of external circumstances.

We all know this at some level. We have all heard that money cannot buy you happiness. We have all seen families who have very little, but who have a lot of love. We have seen great men and women come out of poverty.

Many of us who are a bit older remember when we were young newlyweds, for example, and had nothing but a one room apartment, a lamp, and some boxes to sit on. We remember that we were happy, much happier than years later when we had many material possessions.

Some of us have experienced getting what we wanted, having our heart's desire and yet feeling miserable and unfulfilled.

So if you know this, why do you get upset, worried, distraught, and begin to have a churning stomach when you cannot pay all your bills or lose your job?

The reason why is both simple and profound. First the simple sound byte version: you have permitted yourself to become upset over trivial issues. Thus you indulged emotions, and now when the bigger issues arrive, you are easily thrown out of control. How can you remain calm in big troubles when you allow yourself to get upset by the little ones?

The simple answer is this: start to exercise what character you have left. Have some discipline. Set a good example for your kids. Do not indulge worry, doubts, and fears. Never take counsel of your fears, as a great general once said. Be patient. Remember: this to shall pass. Get busy, do something: go for a walk. Help someone. Look for work. Volunteer. Forget self.

Now here is the longer answer. Pay special attention to and beware of anger, which makes you wrong and guilty, and which conditions you to be reactive and out of control. See how judgment leads to anger. Let go of judgment.

You will also become aware of how blame supports resentment and anger. Therefore, watch out for blame. It is easy to blame your wife or husband. But it is not fair. If you feel under pressure and then take it out on another, it is because you are reacting to some external pressure. But if you did not resent it, it would not be a pressure. It is a pressure because you resent it, and the react angrily and faithlessly. Through resentment you absorb the pressure and then go home and take it out of your family.

In order to justify the anger and hostility, we turn to blame. Either that or we seek solace in drink, marijuana, or in self blame.

I understand. We hear about the economy, about job loss and about the shrinking dollar. We hear about flu and natural disasters. We react faithlessly and nervously, and we resent the barrage of bad news. Watch out for resentment, because it undermines faith. Resentment makes you nervous and anxious and you do not feel like you can cope.

But if you can let go of the resentment, you will be able to observe and hear about external events without coming unglued.

Another thing that undermines composure and self control is our tendency to look to outside authorities instead of our intuition. If you worry about things and then just do what everyone else says to do, you will fail to develop your own intuitive skills. Eventually, realizing this, you will feel even more insecure.

You fathers and mothers must learn to be calm and reasonable, not prone to fear, doubts, and anger. Your kids need to see you calm. You husbands, your wives need to see you calm, stable and confident. Again I say--watch out for resentment.

We lack faith, and we have always been taught to look to the outside for answers or into our intellect for answers. We are too externalized.

In other words, we look to the outside world for guidance. We look to the outside for support and comfort for our ego. And when we are not looking to others, we are looking into our intellect, hoping to dredge up some answer from there.

Where we should be looking is to intuition, what we ascertain wordlessly in the inner Light from God. But we avoid intuition, because having strayed from it, it now comes back as 20-20 hindsight. It feels like conscience, and it makes us feel bad. And as long as we do not want to be sorry and admit our mistakes, we avoid feeling bad and shun conscience.

Of course, that is what just about everyone else is doing to. Can you see the folly of looking to some expert for guidance: an expert who is a prideful intellectual and who is devoid of conscience because he or she avoids conscience too? It is truly a case of the blind leading the blind.

But as I said, it is not totally your fault. You could not help inheriting the nature that is prone to being prideful. Nor could you help believing what everyone told you to do: get an education, look to experts for knowledge, be ambitious, set goals, and so on. You may have had a suspicion that there was something wrong with the teachers, educators, professors and experts' advice, since most of their own personal lives ended in failure.

But you did not grasp intuition (your hunch about such things) firmly enough. In your natural pridefulness, you wanted to get what you could out of life, and you went down the garden path that everyone else said was the way to go.

Without true faith, how could you argue with the material possessions, seeming pleasure, and monetary benefits others were getting from working the system?

Yet, perhaps you suspected that all was not what it was cut out to be. You may also have seen examples of people who were industrious but not ambitious, who were principled and honorable and who succeeded without copping out, lying, cheating or tricking people.

Now it is not your fault that the culture in which you live does everything in its power to convince you that the answer to your problems is out there somewhere. We are told education is the answer, that knowledge is the answer. We are told that romantic "love" is the answer. We are always looking to some person to make us happy, cure us, or give us some secret to getting rich. We are told the a house, a car, a bank account is the answer. We are told that financial security is the answer.

No, I am not suggesting that we should endeavor to be poor or at the end of our rope. What I am saying is that "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Advertisers spend billions to convince you that the answer to your problems lies in a pill.
Until you fully grasp that you are a human being with a soul, and until you find the secret to the power of good available within to resolve problems, you will be at the mercy of those who want power over you.

Whenever we look to outside person, object, goal or substance for security, we become externalized and dependent. This leads to greater insecurity. Just think back to the last time you desperately wanted some outcome (even if it was making a putt on the golf course!). Your insecurity and anxiety increased.

The answer is within. The answer is in learning to become objective and aware, functioning from intuition, with faith, and the guiding of intuitive understanding, and the protection of God's inner Light. The answer is to trust more in your own God given intuition than in what others say.

Also remember that other people are lost too. Others are externalized. They have not found the answer. No one loved them enough to tell them the truth. No one had the understanding to share with them the inner path to God.

Therefore you must not hate other people. Many of us have grudges against our parents for not guiding us properly and for letting something bad happen to us. Just remember: they could not give you what they did not have themselves. Also know that hatred and resentment cuts you off from inner love.

Self reliance, composure, and independence are what you need. When you are totally dependent on your Creator within, then you will no longer be dependent on outside security or love. And when you no longer need love, you will be able to give love.

Begin by letting go of your resentments against others, beginning with those closest to you. Stop looking to the world for love and guidance. Stand back and observe. Listen to what people have to say without reacting emotionally for or against them.

Your newfound calmness and stability will have a good effect on everyone. Even if your spouse or kids react emotionally, but you do not: you will at least not be adding more fuel to the fire. Others will later appreciate your calmness and patience. In patience, there is love.

Visit Healing Relationships for more common sense Christian resources and information.

I Don't Want To Divorce My Husband

2009-04-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

Roland Trujillo, popular godcast1000 host, has finally published his book about relationships. In this tell all book, you will discover how we are all more alike than we think. And we have similar issues in our relationships. In order to understand each other better and unblock love, we need to remember that we are spiritual beings. Of course, we are earthly too. But too much emphasis is placed on mechanics, and ego needs.

We need to dust off some of the old fashioned values and bring them up to date, because they still apply. Yes, God does care about relationships more than you can possibly imagine.

Therefore, it is refreshing when someone like Roland comes along and talks about Adam and Eve in a meaningful way. If understanding unblocks the reader from resentment, then many good things can come to pass.

__________________________________

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

"Another thing," says Roland. "Many people know they are resentment and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.

Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilty that makes you keep quite or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).

What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.

It is not for everyone though. Some people just want to hang onto resentment and judgment. And as long as they are unwilling to give them up, they are not ready for understanding. But when they are ready, my teachings are a God-sent"

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at our Amazon.com eStore.

The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages of insights and solutions

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Roland is making his new book available in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device.

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

.

Why Do So Many Christian Marriages Fail

2009-03-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

The following are excerpts from my popular article What is the Number One Cause of Divorce

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
.
I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
.
We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
.
What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
.
And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the our partner. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another person makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

Bottom line: a lot of times when we don't like ourselves--it is actually resentment that is the initiating factor. Sooooooo, if you could just let go of the resentment . . . .

"A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
-- Ruth Bell Graham
.

People often say it is hard to let go of resentment. l can show you how to let go of resentment. I even have a little free meditation that helps you calm down and get started.

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at Amazon.com

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in simple pdf. to read on your Adobe reader as a token of our appreciation.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers. -- Ruth Bell Graham

"Why so many Christian marriages fail" is something many of us have wondered about. And when Christian husbands and wives resent each other, they are troubled. Wives and husbands do not want to resent their mate.

Especially when they can see that their partner is a decent person--not perfect, of course--but basically a good guy or a good gal .
.
Let me begin by saying that the key to happiness, peace of mind, and better relations is to let go of resentment and judgment. As I've said many times: it is our resentment that hurts us more than what another has done to us.

What is the number one reason Christian marriages fail?

Some say it is because of arguing over money, some say infidelity, and some say sexual incompatibility.

But there are deeper reasons. One has to do with what blocks love: resentment. The other has to do with lack of understanding.

If I had to pick one, I would pick resentment. . . . . .

Resentment is the handmaiden of selfishness. And selfishness is the evidence of pride. Yes, we are all fallen ("we have all fallen short," said Paul ), but we can't use this as an excuse. Life is a school. And marriage is a framework in which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish. As one very wise counselor asked: "Are you getting better or getting bitter?" We should be getting better.

The amazing thing is that Christianity does have the answers, but we Christians sometimes just don't take note of the "little" emotion of resentment and how it affects our relationships.

Over the years I have listened to Christian radio every day. I am interested in religion and love hearing what the Christian preachers, speakers and counselors have to say. I also read a lot on the topics of Christianity, marriage, and family.

In 30 years of listening to Christian radio (and secular radio), and daily reading of books, magazines, and online, I have only heard 3 people (other than myself) really focus on resentment and talk about it in a meaningful way. Others just talk about it in passing or totally ignore it. (If you want to know who these three people are, send me an email).

Yet giving up resentment is the key to relating properly to others, especially our partners and kids.

I am hoping to make husbands, wives, pastors, marriage ministers, and Christian counselors aware of the often overlooked factor of resentment.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in simple pdf. to read on your Adobe reader as a token of our appreciation.